New year, new location!

Apparently, I'm on a yearly thing for postings. It has been roughly a year since my last post and WOW, what a difference a year makes.

We moved! We got out of California and back to the east. Life in Tennessee is preferable to living in CA and we love it so far. We got here in November and we are into our fifth month in our new home. I can honestly say, I'm so much happier here than I was in CA. The people made California bearable, and I miss them all!

Life here is still getting set up. We found a place to live and jobs within the first 10 days. Everything seemed like it was destined to be. We live in a small 1 bedroom lofted apartment that looks like it belongs in a ski area in about 1984. We love it! We have a fireplace, a real working fireplace, which was great over the winter. We also have AC which is much needed already this late spring/early summer. We started jobs at a call center company and the project we worked on was awesome. That position was supposed to last until the end of March. Well, come mid-January, we were told that the project was being pulled early. We got rolled into another project at the same call center, which did not work out. So two steps forward, one step back. I have now been at Ashley Furniture as a CSR for 2 months and Matt has been back in school for two months.  I'm really proud of him! He's still looking for a job though, which is taking a toll on my stress level. We do have a 5 year plan of buying a house here. I plan to make that goal!!!

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for us and the hardships we have faced. On the plus side, we have only grown stronger as a couple. As we approach our 8th wedding anniversary in June, I see how lucky we really are to have made it through everything together and more in love than ever. Our animals are aging but all doing well at this time. Finn is my old man at 16, Samson is 12 and Loki is about to turn 7. I can't imagine our lives without one of our boys but I know that realistically, I've got only a couple more years with Samson. I cherish every moment with my furbabies.

The temperature is climbing, my bank account is skinny, I am not and I'm stressed as hell. But I really do appreciate every moment.  I am lucky. I am loved.

Wow.... it's been a year since I posted anything!!! Really?? I feel like that can't possibly be.... and yet, the blogger dashboard tells me so.

So I guess I have a lot of updating to do.....

I DID graduate from Massage School with a 4.0 GPA and was honored to be asked to be the featured speaker at graduation.  For the last 8 months, I have been employed, mostly happily, at a massage therapy and energy center here in the devil's armpit we call the AV.  I love my job. Truly. I have had my ups and downs with it, as with any job, but I truly love what I do.  The hubby seems to have finally settled into his job and has a true love/hate relationship with it.  He has made friends, which rocks, and has even won a poker night (go honey!)  We moved in with my brother in law about 6 months ago and it seems to be working out for the time being.  We have our rules and we pay our overpriced rent, but we have a roof and a place to live.  The animals are all doing well, which makes me happy as I have determined that they will live forever!!! (Yeah, I know but let me live in delusion for a bit, OK?)

So that's the short version of the current situation for us.  Now, here's the future plans, desires and inevitables......

We are beyond ready to move from this place.  I know that many people love the desert, the landscape, the open space, the dry heat, the almost alien ground, but we are two people who do NOT love it.  I have been "homesick" for my family for a while now.  I left home, pretty much, when I was 14.  I went off to boarding school, my choice, and only went home for holidays and part of the summer.  I was always happier away from home than at home.  I went to college away and after college moved back to my hometown of Atlanta (more of a home city than a town but you know what I mean) for about 4 years.  That was about as long as I could handle it.  I quit my chosen profession at the time, quit my job, quit my apartment and quit my life and moved to the middle of nowhere Vermont.... and I loved it.  I was 1100 miles from my family and that was JUST FINE by me!  I met my hubby online (long story best saved for another day) and found a job that I liked well enough and made some amazing friends.  Then we moved here..... that story is in a previous blog post.

In the 2 1/2 years we've been here, both of our lives have changed.  I found a new career, my hubby found a great job, we have both made amazing friends and have survived some pretty awful stuff.  We have only grown stronger as a couple and I am grateful for every second of struggle as it has only served to form a bond that has withstood the test of time and stress.  I am more in love with my hubby every day (please, roll your eyes if you need to, if it weren't about me, I'd be rolling my eyes too!!). 

All of that being said, it's time to go.  I was fortunate enough to be able to visit my family in March of this year.  This was the first time I have been back to Atlanta in 6 1/2 years.  I had an amazing trip and was able to visit family in Tennessee and North Georgia as well.  For the first time in over 2 decades, I want and need to go "home".  Home, for me, is in the Southeast.  I know I could never again live in Atlanta.  Too much baggage.  What I know is that I need to be close to Atlanta so I have access to my family and friends.  SO..... we are planning to move to Chattanooga, TN.  There is a lot of growth there in both of the industries that my hubby and I work.  We just have to figure out how to get there!!!

My parents are aging, and beginning to show it a little bit in their mental health.  I don't want to lose one or both of my parents and then realize that I missed out on spending time with them.  I don't want to regret my distancing myself from them, though I needed it when I did.  I have siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins and nieces and nephews and friends that I want to see, get to know, spend time with, etc.... For the first time in my adult life, I really NEED my family and I feel like I might be needed too.

So there it all is... it's not pretty or tidy but it is me.  It is my current state of things..... it is my hopes for the future and I'm hoping that by putting it out there, I might get a hand up from the universe....

Is it worth it?

As one who has been unemployed for almost a year, I jumped at the chance to take a work study position at my school.  Work study isn't like having a regular job, however. It's federally mandated so you can't work overtime, which is fine as I have way too much to do now anyway.  By taking this job that I couldn't turn down (seriously, you can't turn down the heads of financial services and career services when they offer you a job that they know you need), I am now making my own money and not living on unemployment.  I feel like a stressed out, productive member of society again.  That being said, I make less by working than I did on unemployment so I've put our (mine and my husband's) financial stability at risk.... again!  How is it that in order to be a "productive member of society", I have to sacrifice my financial stability but if I chose to live off "the system" I'd be better situated?  Does this seem backwards to anyone else?  So now, my days are twice as long with my schedule being something like this:

6:30 am  wake up
7:30 take the hubby to work
8:15 get back home from dropping hubby and clean house a little bit while making breakfast
9:30 leave for work
10:00 am - 3:00 pm at work
3:00 - 4:00 change into scrubs and work in student clinic
4:00 - 5:00 Leave school, pick up hubby, take him home
5:00 - 5:20 take a deep breath at home and maybe eat lunch
5:20 leave home for school
6:00 - 10:30 Class for massage therapy
10:45 home, eat dinner
12:00 am bed

So, yeah, I'm exhausted! I guess it's beneficial in the long run.  I mean think about it.... if I do a good job here AND manage to maintain my 4.0 GPA, I'll have a heck of a great recommendation from the school!!  Meanwhile, I still struggle to make ends meet.  I struggle to stay positive.  I struggle to keep the hubby positive.  I struggle with wondering if it's really worth it to have gone back to school.  I wonder if I'll have a job when I graduate.  I haven't been able to find a job for almost a year and only found this one because I was in the right place at the right time (and as a 4.0 student who works her butt off, I have gained a reputation around the school.)  I have no time for my husband. I have no time with my pets.  I have no time for me.  I know this schedule is only going to affect the next 3 months but is it worth it?  Did I make a poor decision in trying to take on too much?  Am I risking my present comfort by trying to plan too far in the future?  Can I really do this and actually succeed?  Am I over thinking it?  The answer to the last question I already know.... probably!  I guess, right now, that I'm putting these questions out into the universe and looking for a sign that I'm on the right path and that, in the end, it will have been worth the sacrifice and hard work.....

Spring? Where did winter go??

Boy! Time flies when you're busy and poor! I am halfway through my school program and I'm hitting a wall.  I'm really struggling with my self confidence.  I keep wondering if I've made the right choice.  I have so many moments when I feel like I was just dreaming to think I could do this.  Will I know enough?  Will I learn enough?  Will my body and hands hold up?  Can I really make a living doing this?  Will anyone like what I do?  Can I afford to finish school? 

That last question is something I struggle with daily.  We are SO thin on cash.  I try so hard to keep on top of the bills but with me unable to find work and living on my unemployment and Matt's hours getting cut by 5 hours a week, I just don't know how we're gonna make it work.... We're already so balanced on a pinhead financially that this latest blow is really hard to swallow.  I keep wondering if it's worth me finishing this program but I'm committed to it, so onward I go.  I want to be able to help people and help myself as well.  I'm not asking for much, really, I'm not.  I just want to be able to pay my bills and feed my family and have a tiny bit left over in case of emergency or for much needed dental work.  I used to think that those things couldn't possibly be THAT hard but now I know different.  I don't know how some people do it.  How do they find the strength to get up everyday knowing that they won't make enough to pay their bills and no matter how much they put into their work, it will go unappreciated?  I really get it now.  You just do.  You have 2 choices: live or die, wake up or not, try or give up.  Sometimes the right choice is the harder one.  In fact, usually the right choice is the harder choice.  I keep thinking how "easy" it was to just have a job.  Because, I've only had "jobs".  I could wake up, go to work, do my work to the best of my ability, and go home.  I've cared deeply about my "job" before but I've never been so emotionally invested in a career as I am now in this schooling and hopefully, moving forward into a "real" job... not just a 9-5 thing to pay the bills.  I want to love what I do.

Rambling... yeah.... I know.  Just needed to get it out.  I need to take a deep breath and remember that tough times will pass, keep working hard, there WILL be a benefit somewhere down the road even if I can't see it yet.  Besides, I've already won.... I have my hubby. :-)

Out With The Old, In With The New....

Goodbye 2011!!! After a hell of a year, I am happy to see this new year! Before I move forward, I needed to take time to reflect on the last year or so.  ALOT has happened.

I typed up a short summary of the last year for my facebook page and as I was typing, I realised that it's a miracle that the hubby and I ever made it through last year.  In brief, we moved from Vermont (oh how I miss it) to Southern California.... more specifically, to the high desert of SoCal.... A true wasteland in some senses of the word.  We moved in with my in laws.  Now, a word on this decision.  My father in law had a stroke about a month before we decided to move to SoCal.  My hubby, who is wonderful as previously mentioned, had a rough history with his dad and stepmother and had been working on putting it back together from VT.  He decided that if something else happened to his dad and he had not tried his hardest to repair the relationship, that he would regret it come Game Over (He thinks in gamer terms.... someday I'll try to post an entry on his philosophy of life and death in gamers terms.... it's fascinating!).  So long story short, too late, we moved here. And just in case you were wondering, my father in law has made a complete recovery physically, mentally, he fights depression and anger on a regular basis.

SO we arrived in SoCal, moved in with my in laws, and looked for jobs.  This was disheartening and stressful.  I finally found a job, and a new friend.  First week of the new job, on the morning I had been invited over for breakfast by the new friend and her guy, I step into a hole in the parking lot and break my foot... and did I mention that new job was one where I stood for 12 hour shifts and had to walk about 5 miles a day in the store alone??  I pushed through it and kept working.  Then about a month later, the hubby decides to have a ruptured appendix and have emergency surgery.  I was sure my boss was going to fire me... but he didn't and it was all OK.  The hubby is fine now but, as per the doctor, we waited so long to get him to the hospital due to no health care coverage, 12 more hours and I would have been a widow.  He's fine now and snoring on the sofa nearby as I type.  I relish every snore.... that means I still have him.

So we made it through the physical ailments!  Things were chaotic but OK for about a month.  The hubby was still looking for work.  I was developing a hatred for my job as I realised that I didn't want to be in a sales environment ever again.  I'm not pushy or manipulative enough for that job.  And within about a month, things in our living situation went from OK to bad to worse. 6 additional people moved into the house.  If you've lost count, that's now 10 people under one roof!  We "became" a burden. Translation, we couldn't afford to pay as much as the new people, even though we did more around the house to keep it running smoothly.  We were unceremoniously thrown out at the end of April with no explanation and no warning.  With no place to go, no money, the hubby with no job, a house on the market across the country like an albatross around our necks and a battered and bruised soul, I gave up.  I cried harder than I ever knew was possible.  I felt my soul tear. I understand what wailing truly is now. For the first time in my life, I truly wanted to give up.

As I had made the decision to pack up my hubby, my animals and my pride and tuck my tail between my legs and move back to Georgia and in with MY parents, my cell phone rang and it was my husband telling me that he got the job he had been waiting to hear from for over a month.  I couldn't walk away from that.  Another new friend of mine had a house (that she has subsequently lost to foreclosure) and offered us a room for no rent to give us a chance to get on our feet.  She knew that the house was being foreclosed on but offered us space as long as we needed it and as long as she still had the house.  The next day, we got an offer on our house in VT.  The next day, we had a closing date and the next we moved out of my in laws.  We haven't spoken to them since.

Things again, went smoothly for about a month.  Then, due to the sagging sales market and the unstable economy, I lost my job. That lead to the loss of direction and the creation of this blog... As you know from the other posts, that's when I decided to go back to school. 

That has been a great decision!  I love what I'm working on.  I'm excited for the next chapter.  It's still gonna be tough for a while as we are living on one income but, this time next year, I hope to be able to look back over 2012 and know that we're in a better place and that we had to go through everything we went through in order to get us to where we are now.  I hope to be employed helping people in a healing way.  I hope my hubby is happy at his job.  I hope that we can become financially stable enough to not worry every month.  I hope that we are both healthy.  I hope that I can get to visit my family this year.  I hope that I can not take for granted the blessings I receive.  I hope that my loved ones, both friends and family, are all safe, happy, healthy and loved.  Please know, for anyone who might read this, I love you!  And thank you for giving of your time and energy to read my ramshackle thoughts.... 2011, out!

37 and counting!

So today is my 37th birthday.  Amazing.... truly.  I think I'm in shock!  37 used to sound so old... or at least, it was the age where people were ADULTS.  They were married, had 2.5 kids and a house with a dog and a white picket fence.  Well, I'm married and I have 2 dogs and a cat in a rented duplex, and I'm in school figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.

Today, I can only reflect on where I am and how I got here.  I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing because then I wouldn't be where I am now.  I know that sounds odd but it's the life choices we make, both good and bad, that land us where we are currently.  While I kind of wish I had known at 18 to follow my instincts and actually fight to take a year off from school as I wanted to do, if I had, would I have met my husband?  I could play the "what if" game but it's not worth looking back.  I may not be perfect.  I may not have an amazing career (yet), I may not be financially solvent (yet), but what I am is 100% me.  I think the one piece of advice I would give my younger self would be to close your ears and open your heart to what YOU really want.

I am blessed on this 37th birthday.  I have a family that I cherish.  I have animals that are my children.  I have friends that fill my soul with love and laughter.  I have a husband that I I love more than that word can or will ever convey.  I AM finally figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.  And I still believe in hope and miracles. 

Happy Birthday to me!  And may there be many more!  And may I learn from each year past, a bit of wisdom to carry forward into my future!

My long and winding road.....

So it's been a bit since I've sat down to write anything.  That's because on Monday, September 19, 2011, I went back to school.  I cannot even come close to explaining how scary this is for me!!!  Anyone who has known me since my last school experience can tell you.... I am NOT good at school.  I never finished.  I left after my 5th year of college, degreeless.  I knew then and I still know now that it was the right decision for me to leave school when I did.  I was miserable, burnt out and unsure of what I was doing and why. 

I have always believed in listening to your "gut" but I have not always followed my own advice.  I'm so glad that I did in March of 1999.  I remember so clearly driving home on a Thursday night from choir rehearsal.  It was about 10 pm and I had about a 25 minute drive from the small town that the church was in to my house.  The "highway" was one of those non-highway highways that is only built to connect the MAIN highway or interstate to a location that used to be off the beaten path but has risen up in travel location importance.  This is in the middle of North Carolina so it was DARK, no highway lights, no other traffic and the road seemingly going on forever just beyond my headlights.  I was driving my Saturn (I loved that car) and may have even had it on cruise control.  I was miserable.  I felt so lost.  I wanted out so badly.  All I could think was, "I wonder if there's a way I could drive off the road and into a tree hard enough to put me in the hospital for at least 6 weeks but not hard enough to kill myself."  I'm not making this up.  I remember that sentence as clearly as I can see my hands typing this right now.  I thought this all the way home.  I even tried to figure out angles at which to hit said tree.  I woke up the next morning and cried.  I cried so hard I thought my soul would come out of my body.  I knew then that something was really wrong.  I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing.  I picked up the phone and called the mental health hotline.  I got help.  I left school 2 months later at the end of the year and have never looked back.

Now, 12 years later, I'm looking back.  Honestly, I still question, from time to time, if I made the right decision, but I KNOW in my "gut" that I did.  I was rapidly on the way to losing myself.  I never want to feel like I did that night ever again.  I felt hollow and empty and hopeless.  I often lament the loss of the life I might have had but I am ready to let that go.  If I hadn't left school, I would not be where I am today.  Our choices make us who we are. 

Today, I am married to the most amazing, sometimes frustrating (aren't we all frustrating to someone at times??), man who I would NEVER have met if I had stayed the course 12 years ago.  I have lived in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.  I have made friends for life.  I have had truly unexpected work experiences that I would have never considered if I had stayed the course.  All of that brought me to where I am at this moment in my life.  I'm starting over in the whole "I want to be _______ when I grow up."  On Monday, September 19, 2011, I started school.  I am studying to become a Massage Therapist.  I feel more at peace than I have in years.  I know this is the right decision.  I listened to my "gut".  I am excited at the path I'm on and I look forward to making a difference in someones life, one back, foot, neck, head, etc.... rub at a time.