As one who has been unemployed for almost a year, I jumped at the chance to take a work study position at my school. Work study isn't like having a regular job, however. It's federally mandated so you can't work overtime, which is fine as I have way too much to do now anyway. By taking this job that I couldn't turn down (seriously, you can't turn down the heads of financial services and career services when they offer you a job that they know you need), I am now making my own money and not living on unemployment. I feel like a stressed out, productive member of society again. That being said, I make less by working than I did on unemployment so I've put our (mine and my husband's) financial stability at risk.... again! How is it that in order to be a "productive member of society", I have to sacrifice my financial stability but if I chose to live off "the system" I'd be better situated? Does this seem backwards to anyone else? So now, my days are twice as long with my schedule being something like this:
6:30 am wake up
7:30 take the hubby to work
8:15 get back home from dropping hubby and clean house a little bit while making breakfast
9:30 leave for work
10:00 am - 3:00 pm at work
3:00 - 4:00 change into scrubs and work in student clinic
4:00 - 5:00 Leave school, pick up hubby, take him home
5:00 - 5:20 take a deep breath at home and maybe eat lunch
5:20 leave home for school
6:00 - 10:30 Class for massage therapy
10:45 home, eat dinner
12:00 am bed
So, yeah, I'm exhausted! I guess it's beneficial in the long run. I mean think about it.... if I do a good job here AND manage to maintain my 4.0 GPA, I'll have a heck of a great recommendation from the school!! Meanwhile, I still struggle to make ends meet. I struggle to stay positive. I struggle to keep the hubby positive. I struggle with wondering if it's really worth it to have gone back to school. I wonder if I'll have a job when I graduate. I haven't been able to find a job for almost a year and only found this one because I was in the right place at the right time (and as a 4.0 student who works her butt off, I have gained a reputation around the school.) I have no time for my husband. I have no time with my pets. I have no time for me. I know this schedule is only going to affect the next 3 months but is it worth it? Did I make a poor decision in trying to take on too much? Am I risking my present comfort by trying to plan too far in the future? Can I really do this and actually succeed? Am I over thinking it? The answer to the last question I already know.... probably! I guess, right now, that I'm putting these questions out into the universe and looking for a sign that I'm on the right path and that, in the end, it will have been worth the sacrifice and hard work.....
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Spring? Where did winter go??
Boy! Time flies when you're busy and poor! I am halfway through my school program and I'm hitting a wall. I'm really struggling with my self confidence. I keep wondering if I've made the right choice. I have so many moments when I feel like I was just dreaming to think I could do this. Will I know enough? Will I learn enough? Will my body and hands hold up? Can I really make a living doing this? Will anyone like what I do? Can I afford to finish school?
That last question is something I struggle with daily. We are SO thin on cash. I try so hard to keep on top of the bills but with me unable to find work and living on my unemployment and Matt's hours getting cut by 5 hours a week, I just don't know how we're gonna make it work.... We're already so balanced on a pinhead financially that this latest blow is really hard to swallow. I keep wondering if it's worth me finishing this program but I'm committed to it, so onward I go. I want to be able to help people and help myself as well. I'm not asking for much, really, I'm not. I just want to be able to pay my bills and feed my family and have a tiny bit left over in case of emergency or for much needed dental work. I used to think that those things couldn't possibly be THAT hard but now I know different. I don't know how some people do it. How do they find the strength to get up everyday knowing that they won't make enough to pay their bills and no matter how much they put into their work, it will go unappreciated? I really get it now. You just do. You have 2 choices: live or die, wake up or not, try or give up. Sometimes the right choice is the harder one. In fact, usually the right choice is the harder choice. I keep thinking how "easy" it was to just have a job. Because, I've only had "jobs". I could wake up, go to work, do my work to the best of my ability, and go home. I've cared deeply about my "job" before but I've never been so emotionally invested in a career as I am now in this schooling and hopefully, moving forward into a "real" job... not just a 9-5 thing to pay the bills. I want to love what I do.
Rambling... yeah.... I know. Just needed to get it out. I need to take a deep breath and remember that tough times will pass, keep working hard, there WILL be a benefit somewhere down the road even if I can't see it yet. Besides, I've already won.... I have my hubby. :-)
That last question is something I struggle with daily. We are SO thin on cash. I try so hard to keep on top of the bills but with me unable to find work and living on my unemployment and Matt's hours getting cut by 5 hours a week, I just don't know how we're gonna make it work.... We're already so balanced on a pinhead financially that this latest blow is really hard to swallow. I keep wondering if it's worth me finishing this program but I'm committed to it, so onward I go. I want to be able to help people and help myself as well. I'm not asking for much, really, I'm not. I just want to be able to pay my bills and feed my family and have a tiny bit left over in case of emergency or for much needed dental work. I used to think that those things couldn't possibly be THAT hard but now I know different. I don't know how some people do it. How do they find the strength to get up everyday knowing that they won't make enough to pay their bills and no matter how much they put into their work, it will go unappreciated? I really get it now. You just do. You have 2 choices: live or die, wake up or not, try or give up. Sometimes the right choice is the harder one. In fact, usually the right choice is the harder choice. I keep thinking how "easy" it was to just have a job. Because, I've only had "jobs". I could wake up, go to work, do my work to the best of my ability, and go home. I've cared deeply about my "job" before but I've never been so emotionally invested in a career as I am now in this schooling and hopefully, moving forward into a "real" job... not just a 9-5 thing to pay the bills. I want to love what I do.
Rambling... yeah.... I know. Just needed to get it out. I need to take a deep breath and remember that tough times will pass, keep working hard, there WILL be a benefit somewhere down the road even if I can't see it yet. Besides, I've already won.... I have my hubby. :-)
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Out With The Old, In With The New....
Goodbye 2011!!! After a hell of a year, I am happy to see this new year! Before I move forward, I needed to take time to reflect on the last year or so. ALOT has happened.
I typed up a short summary of the last year for my facebook page and as I was typing, I realised that it's a miracle that the hubby and I ever made it through last year. In brief, we moved from Vermont (oh how I miss it) to Southern California.... more specifically, to the high desert of SoCal.... A true wasteland in some senses of the word. We moved in with my in laws. Now, a word on this decision. My father in law had a stroke about a month before we decided to move to SoCal. My hubby, who is wonderful as previously mentioned, had a rough history with his dad and stepmother and had been working on putting it back together from VT. He decided that if something else happened to his dad and he had not tried his hardest to repair the relationship, that he would regret it come Game Over (He thinks in gamer terms.... someday I'll try to post an entry on his philosophy of life and death in gamers terms.... it's fascinating!). So long story short, too late, we moved here. And just in case you were wondering, my father in law has made a complete recovery physically, mentally, he fights depression and anger on a regular basis.
SO we arrived in SoCal, moved in with my in laws, and looked for jobs. This was disheartening and stressful. I finally found a job, and a new friend. First week of the new job, on the morning I had been invited over for breakfast by the new friend and her guy, I step into a hole in the parking lot and break my foot... and did I mention that new job was one where I stood for 12 hour shifts and had to walk about 5 miles a day in the store alone?? I pushed through it and kept working. Then about a month later, the hubby decides to have a ruptured appendix and have emergency surgery. I was sure my boss was going to fire me... but he didn't and it was all OK. The hubby is fine now but, as per the doctor, we waited so long to get him to the hospital due to no health care coverage, 12 more hours and I would have been a widow. He's fine now and snoring on the sofa nearby as I type. I relish every snore.... that means I still have him.
So we made it through the physical ailments! Things were chaotic but OK for about a month. The hubby was still looking for work. I was developing a hatred for my job as I realised that I didn't want to be in a sales environment ever again. I'm not pushy or manipulative enough for that job. And within about a month, things in our living situation went from OK to bad to worse. 6 additional people moved into the house. If you've lost count, that's now 10 people under one roof! We "became" a burden. Translation, we couldn't afford to pay as much as the new people, even though we did more around the house to keep it running smoothly. We were unceremoniously thrown out at the end of April with no explanation and no warning. With no place to go, no money, the hubby with no job, a house on the market across the country like an albatross around our necks and a battered and bruised soul, I gave up. I cried harder than I ever knew was possible. I felt my soul tear. I understand what wailing truly is now. For the first time in my life, I truly wanted to give up.
As I had made the decision to pack up my hubby, my animals and my pride and tuck my tail between my legs and move back to Georgia and in with MY parents, my cell phone rang and it was my husband telling me that he got the job he had been waiting to hear from for over a month. I couldn't walk away from that. Another new friend of mine had a house (that she has subsequently lost to foreclosure) and offered us a room for no rent to give us a chance to get on our feet. She knew that the house was being foreclosed on but offered us space as long as we needed it and as long as she still had the house. The next day, we got an offer on our house in VT. The next day, we had a closing date and the next we moved out of my in laws. We haven't spoken to them since.
Things again, went smoothly for about a month. Then, due to the sagging sales market and the unstable economy, I lost my job. That lead to the loss of direction and the creation of this blog... As you know from the other posts, that's when I decided to go back to school.
That has been a great decision! I love what I'm working on. I'm excited for the next chapter. It's still gonna be tough for a while as we are living on one income but, this time next year, I hope to be able to look back over 2012 and know that we're in a better place and that we had to go through everything we went through in order to get us to where we are now. I hope to be employed helping people in a healing way. I hope my hubby is happy at his job. I hope that we can become financially stable enough to not worry every month. I hope that we are both healthy. I hope that I can get to visit my family this year. I hope that I can not take for granted the blessings I receive. I hope that my loved ones, both friends and family, are all safe, happy, healthy and loved. Please know, for anyone who might read this, I love you! And thank you for giving of your time and energy to read my ramshackle thoughts.... 2011, out!
I typed up a short summary of the last year for my facebook page and as I was typing, I realised that it's a miracle that the hubby and I ever made it through last year. In brief, we moved from Vermont (oh how I miss it) to Southern California.... more specifically, to the high desert of SoCal.... A true wasteland in some senses of the word. We moved in with my in laws. Now, a word on this decision. My father in law had a stroke about a month before we decided to move to SoCal. My hubby, who is wonderful as previously mentioned, had a rough history with his dad and stepmother and had been working on putting it back together from VT. He decided that if something else happened to his dad and he had not tried his hardest to repair the relationship, that he would regret it come Game Over (He thinks in gamer terms.... someday I'll try to post an entry on his philosophy of life and death in gamers terms.... it's fascinating!). So long story short, too late, we moved here. And just in case you were wondering, my father in law has made a complete recovery physically, mentally, he fights depression and anger on a regular basis.
SO we arrived in SoCal, moved in with my in laws, and looked for jobs. This was disheartening and stressful. I finally found a job, and a new friend. First week of the new job, on the morning I had been invited over for breakfast by the new friend and her guy, I step into a hole in the parking lot and break my foot... and did I mention that new job was one where I stood for 12 hour shifts and had to walk about 5 miles a day in the store alone?? I pushed through it and kept working. Then about a month later, the hubby decides to have a ruptured appendix and have emergency surgery. I was sure my boss was going to fire me... but he didn't and it was all OK. The hubby is fine now but, as per the doctor, we waited so long to get him to the hospital due to no health care coverage, 12 more hours and I would have been a widow. He's fine now and snoring on the sofa nearby as I type. I relish every snore.... that means I still have him.
So we made it through the physical ailments! Things were chaotic but OK for about a month. The hubby was still looking for work. I was developing a hatred for my job as I realised that I didn't want to be in a sales environment ever again. I'm not pushy or manipulative enough for that job. And within about a month, things in our living situation went from OK to bad to worse. 6 additional people moved into the house. If you've lost count, that's now 10 people under one roof! We "became" a burden. Translation, we couldn't afford to pay as much as the new people, even though we did more around the house to keep it running smoothly. We were unceremoniously thrown out at the end of April with no explanation and no warning. With no place to go, no money, the hubby with no job, a house on the market across the country like an albatross around our necks and a battered and bruised soul, I gave up. I cried harder than I ever knew was possible. I felt my soul tear. I understand what wailing truly is now. For the first time in my life, I truly wanted to give up.
As I had made the decision to pack up my hubby, my animals and my pride and tuck my tail between my legs and move back to Georgia and in with MY parents, my cell phone rang and it was my husband telling me that he got the job he had been waiting to hear from for over a month. I couldn't walk away from that. Another new friend of mine had a house (that she has subsequently lost to foreclosure) and offered us a room for no rent to give us a chance to get on our feet. She knew that the house was being foreclosed on but offered us space as long as we needed it and as long as she still had the house. The next day, we got an offer on our house in VT. The next day, we had a closing date and the next we moved out of my in laws. We haven't spoken to them since.
Things again, went smoothly for about a month. Then, due to the sagging sales market and the unstable economy, I lost my job. That lead to the loss of direction and the creation of this blog... As you know from the other posts, that's when I decided to go back to school.
That has been a great decision! I love what I'm working on. I'm excited for the next chapter. It's still gonna be tough for a while as we are living on one income but, this time next year, I hope to be able to look back over 2012 and know that we're in a better place and that we had to go through everything we went through in order to get us to where we are now. I hope to be employed helping people in a healing way. I hope my hubby is happy at his job. I hope that we can become financially stable enough to not worry every month. I hope that we are both healthy. I hope that I can get to visit my family this year. I hope that I can not take for granted the blessings I receive. I hope that my loved ones, both friends and family, are all safe, happy, healthy and loved. Please know, for anyone who might read this, I love you! And thank you for giving of your time and energy to read my ramshackle thoughts.... 2011, out!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
37 and counting!
So today is my 37th birthday. Amazing.... truly. I think I'm in shock! 37 used to sound so old... or at least, it was the age where people were ADULTS. They were married, had 2.5 kids and a house with a dog and a white picket fence. Well, I'm married and I have 2 dogs and a cat in a rented duplex, and I'm in school figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.
Today, I can only reflect on where I am and how I got here. I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing because then I wouldn't be where I am now. I know that sounds odd but it's the life choices we make, both good and bad, that land us where we are currently. While I kind of wish I had known at 18 to follow my instincts and actually fight to take a year off from school as I wanted to do, if I had, would I have met my husband? I could play the "what if" game but it's not worth looking back. I may not be perfect. I may not have an amazing career (yet), I may not be financially solvent (yet), but what I am is 100% me. I think the one piece of advice I would give my younger self would be to close your ears and open your heart to what YOU really want.
I am blessed on this 37th birthday. I have a family that I cherish. I have animals that are my children. I have friends that fill my soul with love and laughter. I have a husband that I I love more than that word can or will ever convey. I AM finally figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. And I still believe in hope and miracles.
Happy Birthday to me! And may there be many more! And may I learn from each year past, a bit of wisdom to carry forward into my future!
Today, I can only reflect on where I am and how I got here. I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing because then I wouldn't be where I am now. I know that sounds odd but it's the life choices we make, both good and bad, that land us where we are currently. While I kind of wish I had known at 18 to follow my instincts and actually fight to take a year off from school as I wanted to do, if I had, would I have met my husband? I could play the "what if" game but it's not worth looking back. I may not be perfect. I may not have an amazing career (yet), I may not be financially solvent (yet), but what I am is 100% me. I think the one piece of advice I would give my younger self would be to close your ears and open your heart to what YOU really want.
I am blessed on this 37th birthday. I have a family that I cherish. I have animals that are my children. I have friends that fill my soul with love and laughter. I have a husband that I I love more than that word can or will ever convey. I AM finally figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. And I still believe in hope and miracles.
Happy Birthday to me! And may there be many more! And may I learn from each year past, a bit of wisdom to carry forward into my future!
Friday, September 23, 2011
My long and winding road.....
So it's been a bit since I've sat down to write anything. That's because on Monday, September 19, 2011, I went back to school. I cannot even come close to explaining how scary this is for me!!! Anyone who has known me since my last school experience can tell you.... I am NOT good at school. I never finished. I left after my 5th year of college, degreeless. I knew then and I still know now that it was the right decision for me to leave school when I did. I was miserable, burnt out and unsure of what I was doing and why.
I have always believed in listening to your "gut" but I have not always followed my own advice. I'm so glad that I did in March of 1999. I remember so clearly driving home on a Thursday night from choir rehearsal. It was about 10 pm and I had about a 25 minute drive from the small town that the church was in to my house. The "highway" was one of those non-highway highways that is only built to connect the MAIN highway or interstate to a location that used to be off the beaten path but has risen up in travel location importance. This is in the middle of North Carolina so it was DARK, no highway lights, no other traffic and the road seemingly going on forever just beyond my headlights. I was driving my Saturn (I loved that car) and may have even had it on cruise control. I was miserable. I felt so lost. I wanted out so badly. All I could think was, "I wonder if there's a way I could drive off the road and into a tree hard enough to put me in the hospital for at least 6 weeks but not hard enough to kill myself." I'm not making this up. I remember that sentence as clearly as I can see my hands typing this right now. I thought this all the way home. I even tried to figure out angles at which to hit said tree. I woke up the next morning and cried. I cried so hard I thought my soul would come out of my body. I knew then that something was really wrong. I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. I picked up the phone and called the mental health hotline. I got help. I left school 2 months later at the end of the year and have never looked back.
Now, 12 years later, I'm looking back. Honestly, I still question, from time to time, if I made the right decision, but I KNOW in my "gut" that I did. I was rapidly on the way to losing myself. I never want to feel like I did that night ever again. I felt hollow and empty and hopeless. I often lament the loss of the life I might have had but I am ready to let that go. If I hadn't left school, I would not be where I am today. Our choices make us who we are.
Today, I am married to the most amazing, sometimes frustrating (aren't we all frustrating to someone at times??), man who I would NEVER have met if I had stayed the course 12 years ago. I have lived in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I have made friends for life. I have had truly unexpected work experiences that I would have never considered if I had stayed the course. All of that brought me to where I am at this moment in my life. I'm starting over in the whole "I want to be _______ when I grow up." On Monday, September 19, 2011, I started school. I am studying to become a Massage Therapist. I feel more at peace than I have in years. I know this is the right decision. I listened to my "gut". I am excited at the path I'm on and I look forward to making a difference in someones life, one back, foot, neck, head, etc.... rub at a time.
I have always believed in listening to your "gut" but I have not always followed my own advice. I'm so glad that I did in March of 1999. I remember so clearly driving home on a Thursday night from choir rehearsal. It was about 10 pm and I had about a 25 minute drive from the small town that the church was in to my house. The "highway" was one of those non-highway highways that is only built to connect the MAIN highway or interstate to a location that used to be off the beaten path but has risen up in travel location importance. This is in the middle of North Carolina so it was DARK, no highway lights, no other traffic and the road seemingly going on forever just beyond my headlights. I was driving my Saturn (I loved that car) and may have even had it on cruise control. I was miserable. I felt so lost. I wanted out so badly. All I could think was, "I wonder if there's a way I could drive off the road and into a tree hard enough to put me in the hospital for at least 6 weeks but not hard enough to kill myself." I'm not making this up. I remember that sentence as clearly as I can see my hands typing this right now. I thought this all the way home. I even tried to figure out angles at which to hit said tree. I woke up the next morning and cried. I cried so hard I thought my soul would come out of my body. I knew then that something was really wrong. I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. I picked up the phone and called the mental health hotline. I got help. I left school 2 months later at the end of the year and have never looked back.
Now, 12 years later, I'm looking back. Honestly, I still question, from time to time, if I made the right decision, but I KNOW in my "gut" that I did. I was rapidly on the way to losing myself. I never want to feel like I did that night ever again. I felt hollow and empty and hopeless. I often lament the loss of the life I might have had but I am ready to let that go. If I hadn't left school, I would not be where I am today. Our choices make us who we are.
Today, I am married to the most amazing, sometimes frustrating (aren't we all frustrating to someone at times??), man who I would NEVER have met if I had stayed the course 12 years ago. I have lived in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I have made friends for life. I have had truly unexpected work experiences that I would have never considered if I had stayed the course. All of that brought me to where I am at this moment in my life. I'm starting over in the whole "I want to be _______ when I grow up." On Monday, September 19, 2011, I started school. I am studying to become a Massage Therapist. I feel more at peace than I have in years. I know this is the right decision. I listened to my "gut". I am excited at the path I'm on and I look forward to making a difference in someones life, one back, foot, neck, head, etc.... rub at a time.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
9-11.... remembering
I have nothing profound to say. Like so many others, I still wonder what happened 10 years ago today.... why did the world change? What did we do? Was it real? Looking back now, it seems like a horrible dream/nightmare, like something that can't possibly be true. Isn't this just a movie plot thought up by Hollywood that we watched many years ago?
Sitting here now, I remember that day and the myriad of emotions and degrees of acceptance that this was ACTUALLY happening. I worked as an Admin Asst in a church in Atlanta, GA. On Monday, September 10, 2001, my nephew was born. He was 2 1/2 months early and his life was in danger. On Tuesday morning, the church had it's weekly meeting and if you wanted to get someone on next Sunday's prayer list, that was the deadline. I remember driving to work and for the first time in forever, I decided NOT to listen to NPR but to put in a CD. I got to the church and immediately went to the secretary to the preacher and asked that my nephew be put on the prayer list. I was feeling scared for him but otherwise good. I went to my desk and logged into my computer and, like a good office worker of the early 2000's, I logged into an online chat program to chat with my friends while I worked (yeah, yeah, I see the error of my ways now...) One of my friends sent an immediate message, go turn on the news.... NOW! I worked in the music department and the location of our offices were under the nave, that is to say, in an official bomb shelter. No TV down there. I dug through the cupboards and found an old boom box, circa 1984, and plugged it in. The first thing I heard was Peter Jennings voice saying that a second plane had JUST struck the towers. My boss wanted to know why I was turning on the radio during office hours and when he heard that, he just stopped in his tracks. I remember standing shocked for a moment and feeling the blood drain out of my head. I rushed over to my computer and tried to pull up CNN.com, then MSNBC.com, then 11-alive.com. Finally, I got something to play live on my computer. I don't remember now which live feed it was, but I saw my first picture of NYC and the horror that was unfolding. We all stood or sat, transfixed by what we saw. When the south tower fell, I heard Peter Jennings voice and watched the image. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. How could something so massive and strong and seemingly solid just be GONE??? At this point I was having a hard time seeing the screen and wondered if we were losing transmission. Nope, I was crying so hard, I couldn't see through the tears. When the north tower fell, I was numb. At this point, my boss sent us all home. My parents lived less than a mile from the church but I didn't go there, I went to my apartment, about 1 1/2 miles from the church, and sat on my sofa and watched as the world changed forever. I cried all day. I couldn't turn away from the TV, just watching, in hopes that the hole in the Pentagon was just some special effect shot from an upcoming movie. I was waiting for someone to tell us it was all a hoax. I was waiting to find out that I knew someone who was there....
I used to be a performer. I went to art school. My friends are all over the world. MANY of them, for obvious reasons, are in New York City. I had friends who did temp work all over the city. I knew of one of them who, at the time, had told me about her temp assignment in the World Trade Towers. Was she there that day? I remember trying to call her and leaving messages, "Please just email me and let me know that you're ok." As it turned out, thank god, she was ok. Her assignment had ended about a week prior. A few days later, I found out, I had known someone who was now gone. He wasn't a close friend. He had been the roommate of my first love in college. He was a staunch republican whose personal hero was Rush Limbaugh. He was short, stocky and had a big smile and bright blue eyes. He was in his office at the top of the south tower. We didn't see eye to eye on many things but the three of us hung out a lot in the 4 months I was at that school and had a lot of laughs. My ex and I have been best of friends since then and he was the one who told me to turn on the news. He was also the one who told me about Alan.
So, now, 10 years later, I take time to put all of this information down more for myself than anyone else. The world is not the same. We lost our innocence. My generation now has their own version of "Where were you when..." I don't want it. I think the America that was before, died that day and we have had to rebirth ourselves. The problem is that we're not grown up yet as a country. In this rebirth we are only in the petulant child stage. Too many people are stomping their feet and demanding their way. I look forward, with hope, that we will, once again, get to a place of compromise and compassion. I believe in this country. I believe in the people of this country. I believe that one day, the American people will rise up again to declare that we have had enough of the posturing and we want real change. We may be struggling now, but I do believe that our best is yet to come. But before we can move forward, let's look back and remember the shock, the horror, the grief, the acceptance, the defiance, the will and the coming together of a country to stand up, battered, but proud. Never forget the 2,977 people who lost their lives on that day and the innumerable people who have given their lives in defense of freedom.....
Sitting here now, I remember that day and the myriad of emotions and degrees of acceptance that this was ACTUALLY happening. I worked as an Admin Asst in a church in Atlanta, GA. On Monday, September 10, 2001, my nephew was born. He was 2 1/2 months early and his life was in danger. On Tuesday morning, the church had it's weekly meeting and if you wanted to get someone on next Sunday's prayer list, that was the deadline. I remember driving to work and for the first time in forever, I decided NOT to listen to NPR but to put in a CD. I got to the church and immediately went to the secretary to the preacher and asked that my nephew be put on the prayer list. I was feeling scared for him but otherwise good. I went to my desk and logged into my computer and, like a good office worker of the early 2000's, I logged into an online chat program to chat with my friends while I worked (yeah, yeah, I see the error of my ways now...) One of my friends sent an immediate message, go turn on the news.... NOW! I worked in the music department and the location of our offices were under the nave, that is to say, in an official bomb shelter. No TV down there. I dug through the cupboards and found an old boom box, circa 1984, and plugged it in. The first thing I heard was Peter Jennings voice saying that a second plane had JUST struck the towers. My boss wanted to know why I was turning on the radio during office hours and when he heard that, he just stopped in his tracks. I remember standing shocked for a moment and feeling the blood drain out of my head. I rushed over to my computer and tried to pull up CNN.com, then MSNBC.com, then 11-alive.com. Finally, I got something to play live on my computer. I don't remember now which live feed it was, but I saw my first picture of NYC and the horror that was unfolding. We all stood or sat, transfixed by what we saw. When the south tower fell, I heard Peter Jennings voice and watched the image. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. How could something so massive and strong and seemingly solid just be GONE??? At this point I was having a hard time seeing the screen and wondered if we were losing transmission. Nope, I was crying so hard, I couldn't see through the tears. When the north tower fell, I was numb. At this point, my boss sent us all home. My parents lived less than a mile from the church but I didn't go there, I went to my apartment, about 1 1/2 miles from the church, and sat on my sofa and watched as the world changed forever. I cried all day. I couldn't turn away from the TV, just watching, in hopes that the hole in the Pentagon was just some special effect shot from an upcoming movie. I was waiting for someone to tell us it was all a hoax. I was waiting to find out that I knew someone who was there....
I used to be a performer. I went to art school. My friends are all over the world. MANY of them, for obvious reasons, are in New York City. I had friends who did temp work all over the city. I knew of one of them who, at the time, had told me about her temp assignment in the World Trade Towers. Was she there that day? I remember trying to call her and leaving messages, "Please just email me and let me know that you're ok." As it turned out, thank god, she was ok. Her assignment had ended about a week prior. A few days later, I found out, I had known someone who was now gone. He wasn't a close friend. He had been the roommate of my first love in college. He was a staunch republican whose personal hero was Rush Limbaugh. He was short, stocky and had a big smile and bright blue eyes. He was in his office at the top of the south tower. We didn't see eye to eye on many things but the three of us hung out a lot in the 4 months I was at that school and had a lot of laughs. My ex and I have been best of friends since then and he was the one who told me to turn on the news. He was also the one who told me about Alan.
So, now, 10 years later, I take time to put all of this information down more for myself than anyone else. The world is not the same. We lost our innocence. My generation now has their own version of "Where were you when..." I don't want it. I think the America that was before, died that day and we have had to rebirth ourselves. The problem is that we're not grown up yet as a country. In this rebirth we are only in the petulant child stage. Too many people are stomping their feet and demanding their way. I look forward, with hope, that we will, once again, get to a place of compromise and compassion. I believe in this country. I believe in the people of this country. I believe that one day, the American people will rise up again to declare that we have had enough of the posturing and we want real change. We may be struggling now, but I do believe that our best is yet to come. But before we can move forward, let's look back and remember the shock, the horror, the grief, the acceptance, the defiance, the will and the coming together of a country to stand up, battered, but proud. Never forget the 2,977 people who lost their lives on that day and the innumerable people who have given their lives in defense of freedom.....
Saturday, September 3, 2011
What Makes a Family?
Family! What a word! To everyone it means something different. For some, it conjures up warm images of home and hearth and holidays. For others is brings up sad or painful or angry feelings. But, really, what is a real family? What makes up a true family? What does family really mean?
A little background on me and MY family. I am southern with a capital S.... Southern. We are close in the way that "family" is supposed to be. We may have our ups and downs but we're always there in a bind. I have 5 brothers, 4 older and 1 younger, and one sister who is the LOVE of my LIFE! I don't have regular communication with most of my siblings, as we did not grow up together, but I do love them and would be there for them if I could help in anyway. My younger brother and my sister and I grew up together. I'm a stupidly proud big sister to both my younger siblings.... They are both amazing humans I am glad to know! I talk to them both on a regular basis and love them more than words. I am SO proud of who they are and what they have accomplished. I would give them the shirt off my back, though it would be too big for both of them (they're of the skinny people.) I have 4 aunts, 2 uncles, 4 immediate cousins and TONS of extended family!! They are from all walks of life. I am particularly close to my mothers sister. She and I have a special bond that goes WAY beyond aunt and niece and approaches something closer to friend, confidante and soul mate. While a long way apart in the physical sense, I am very close to my family!
My husbands family is very different. They seem destined to hurt each other as much as possible until someone flinches and moves away and stops talking to the other part. It's horrible. I have never experienced this in my own life so I did not believe him until I experienced it for myself. We lived with my in laws for 6 months. We moved clear across the country because, due to a health scare that my husbands father went though, my husband felt that if he did not take the chance to try one more time to repair his relationship with his family, that it would be something he would regret when he goes to meet his maker (who he swears is a gaming god so his analogy was more like when he runs out of quarters to continue his game, etc...) Now, I get it. I see what he was talking about. I experienced the venom and negativity. I was shocked. I was miserable. I stopped believing in myself or in our ability to accomplish anything worth anything. Thank God, we were able to extricate ourselves from this situation. Thank God, we had each other. My heart bleeds for him. No one should have to feel the way he has been made to feel. When he and I first got together, I remember asking him, in a get to know you sorta way, if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go. His response broke my heart. "I was told that I would never accomplish anything so it was foolish to dream." I could not believe that a parent would ever say that to their child. My soul hurt for that little boy who should have been told to reach for the stars and that anything is possible! Sadly, I get it now. I now know why he didn't believe in himself for so long.
How could my family and his family be SO different? After thinking about this for a long time, I mean we've been married for 5 1/2 years and together for 7, I realised something I'd forgotten. Family to me isn't just the people I'm related to through blood. My family are the people I know would help me out in a pinch as I would do for them. My family consists of people from all walks of life who are spread throughout the world. My family consists of blood relatives, friends and people I haven't spoken to in years. My family is wide spread and vast. My family is all ages, races, nationalities, sexual preferences, heights, weights and socio-economic backgrounds. I could not imagine my life without any of them. These are people that I know would be there for me and I for them no matter what. My family are the people who encourage me to live up to my potential or support my latest "I want to be this when I grow up." I am truly blessed in my family. I want to take this last moment to thank them all. They have stood by me when I have been down and out. They have listened, cried, laughed, hugged and supported me and my husband through some truly trying times in the last few years. I have been a less than pleasant person to deal with at times. I would not have made it without my family. So, as one truly humbled, thank you.....
A little background on me and MY family. I am southern with a capital S.... Southern. We are close in the way that "family" is supposed to be. We may have our ups and downs but we're always there in a bind. I have 5 brothers, 4 older and 1 younger, and one sister who is the LOVE of my LIFE! I don't have regular communication with most of my siblings, as we did not grow up together, but I do love them and would be there for them if I could help in anyway. My younger brother and my sister and I grew up together. I'm a stupidly proud big sister to both my younger siblings.... They are both amazing humans I am glad to know! I talk to them both on a regular basis and love them more than words. I am SO proud of who they are and what they have accomplished. I would give them the shirt off my back, though it would be too big for both of them (they're of the skinny people.) I have 4 aunts, 2 uncles, 4 immediate cousins and TONS of extended family!! They are from all walks of life. I am particularly close to my mothers sister. She and I have a special bond that goes WAY beyond aunt and niece and approaches something closer to friend, confidante and soul mate. While a long way apart in the physical sense, I am very close to my family!
My husbands family is very different. They seem destined to hurt each other as much as possible until someone flinches and moves away and stops talking to the other part. It's horrible. I have never experienced this in my own life so I did not believe him until I experienced it for myself. We lived with my in laws for 6 months. We moved clear across the country because, due to a health scare that my husbands father went though, my husband felt that if he did not take the chance to try one more time to repair his relationship with his family, that it would be something he would regret when he goes to meet his maker (who he swears is a gaming god so his analogy was more like when he runs out of quarters to continue his game, etc...) Now, I get it. I see what he was talking about. I experienced the venom and negativity. I was shocked. I was miserable. I stopped believing in myself or in our ability to accomplish anything worth anything. Thank God, we were able to extricate ourselves from this situation. Thank God, we had each other. My heart bleeds for him. No one should have to feel the way he has been made to feel. When he and I first got together, I remember asking him, in a get to know you sorta way, if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go. His response broke my heart. "I was told that I would never accomplish anything so it was foolish to dream." I could not believe that a parent would ever say that to their child. My soul hurt for that little boy who should have been told to reach for the stars and that anything is possible! Sadly, I get it now. I now know why he didn't believe in himself for so long.
How could my family and his family be SO different? After thinking about this for a long time, I mean we've been married for 5 1/2 years and together for 7, I realised something I'd forgotten. Family to me isn't just the people I'm related to through blood. My family are the people I know would help me out in a pinch as I would do for them. My family consists of people from all walks of life who are spread throughout the world. My family consists of blood relatives, friends and people I haven't spoken to in years. My family is wide spread and vast. My family is all ages, races, nationalities, sexual preferences, heights, weights and socio-economic backgrounds. I could not imagine my life without any of them. These are people that I know would be there for me and I for them no matter what. My family are the people who encourage me to live up to my potential or support my latest "I want to be this when I grow up." I am truly blessed in my family. I want to take this last moment to thank them all. They have stood by me when I have been down and out. They have listened, cried, laughed, hugged and supported me and my husband through some truly trying times in the last few years. I have been a less than pleasant person to deal with at times. I would not have made it without my family. So, as one truly humbled, thank you.....
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