As one who has been unemployed for almost a year, I jumped at the chance to take a work study position at my school. Work study isn't like having a regular job, however. It's federally mandated so you can't work overtime, which is fine as I have way too much to do now anyway. By taking this job that I couldn't turn down (seriously, you can't turn down the heads of financial services and career services when they offer you a job that they know you need), I am now making my own money and not living on unemployment. I feel like a stressed out, productive member of society again. That being said, I make less by working than I did on unemployment so I've put our (mine and my husband's) financial stability at risk.... again! How is it that in order to be a "productive member of society", I have to sacrifice my financial stability but if I chose to live off "the system" I'd be better situated? Does this seem backwards to anyone else? So now, my days are twice as long with my schedule being something like this:
6:30 am wake up
7:30 take the hubby to work
8:15 get back home from dropping hubby and clean house a little bit while making breakfast
9:30 leave for work
10:00 am - 3:00 pm at work
3:00 - 4:00 change into scrubs and work in student clinic
4:00 - 5:00 Leave school, pick up hubby, take him home
5:00 - 5:20 take a deep breath at home and maybe eat lunch
5:20 leave home for school
6:00 - 10:30 Class for massage therapy
10:45 home, eat dinner
12:00 am bed
So, yeah, I'm exhausted! I guess it's beneficial in the long run. I mean think about it.... if I do a good job here AND manage to maintain my 4.0 GPA, I'll have a heck of a great recommendation from the school!! Meanwhile, I still struggle to make ends meet. I struggle to stay positive. I struggle to keep the hubby positive. I struggle with wondering if it's really worth it to have gone back to school. I wonder if I'll have a job when I graduate. I haven't been able to find a job for almost a year and only found this one because I was in the right place at the right time (and as a 4.0 student who works her butt off, I have gained a reputation around the school.) I have no time for my husband. I have no time with my pets. I have no time for me. I know this schedule is only going to affect the next 3 months but is it worth it? Did I make a poor decision in trying to take on too much? Am I risking my present comfort by trying to plan too far in the future? Can I really do this and actually succeed? Am I over thinking it? The answer to the last question I already know.... probably! I guess, right now, that I'm putting these questions out into the universe and looking for a sign that I'm on the right path and that, in the end, it will have been worth the sacrifice and hard work.....
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Spring? Where did winter go??
Boy! Time flies when you're busy and poor! I am halfway through my school program and I'm hitting a wall. I'm really struggling with my self confidence. I keep wondering if I've made the right choice. I have so many moments when I feel like I was just dreaming to think I could do this. Will I know enough? Will I learn enough? Will my body and hands hold up? Can I really make a living doing this? Will anyone like what I do? Can I afford to finish school?
That last question is something I struggle with daily. We are SO thin on cash. I try so hard to keep on top of the bills but with me unable to find work and living on my unemployment and Matt's hours getting cut by 5 hours a week, I just don't know how we're gonna make it work.... We're already so balanced on a pinhead financially that this latest blow is really hard to swallow. I keep wondering if it's worth me finishing this program but I'm committed to it, so onward I go. I want to be able to help people and help myself as well. I'm not asking for much, really, I'm not. I just want to be able to pay my bills and feed my family and have a tiny bit left over in case of emergency or for much needed dental work. I used to think that those things couldn't possibly be THAT hard but now I know different. I don't know how some people do it. How do they find the strength to get up everyday knowing that they won't make enough to pay their bills and no matter how much they put into their work, it will go unappreciated? I really get it now. You just do. You have 2 choices: live or die, wake up or not, try or give up. Sometimes the right choice is the harder one. In fact, usually the right choice is the harder choice. I keep thinking how "easy" it was to just have a job. Because, I've only had "jobs". I could wake up, go to work, do my work to the best of my ability, and go home. I've cared deeply about my "job" before but I've never been so emotionally invested in a career as I am now in this schooling and hopefully, moving forward into a "real" job... not just a 9-5 thing to pay the bills. I want to love what I do.
Rambling... yeah.... I know. Just needed to get it out. I need to take a deep breath and remember that tough times will pass, keep working hard, there WILL be a benefit somewhere down the road even if I can't see it yet. Besides, I've already won.... I have my hubby. :-)
That last question is something I struggle with daily. We are SO thin on cash. I try so hard to keep on top of the bills but with me unable to find work and living on my unemployment and Matt's hours getting cut by 5 hours a week, I just don't know how we're gonna make it work.... We're already so balanced on a pinhead financially that this latest blow is really hard to swallow. I keep wondering if it's worth me finishing this program but I'm committed to it, so onward I go. I want to be able to help people and help myself as well. I'm not asking for much, really, I'm not. I just want to be able to pay my bills and feed my family and have a tiny bit left over in case of emergency or for much needed dental work. I used to think that those things couldn't possibly be THAT hard but now I know different. I don't know how some people do it. How do they find the strength to get up everyday knowing that they won't make enough to pay their bills and no matter how much they put into their work, it will go unappreciated? I really get it now. You just do. You have 2 choices: live or die, wake up or not, try or give up. Sometimes the right choice is the harder one. In fact, usually the right choice is the harder choice. I keep thinking how "easy" it was to just have a job. Because, I've only had "jobs". I could wake up, go to work, do my work to the best of my ability, and go home. I've cared deeply about my "job" before but I've never been so emotionally invested in a career as I am now in this schooling and hopefully, moving forward into a "real" job... not just a 9-5 thing to pay the bills. I want to love what I do.
Rambling... yeah.... I know. Just needed to get it out. I need to take a deep breath and remember that tough times will pass, keep working hard, there WILL be a benefit somewhere down the road even if I can't see it yet. Besides, I've already won.... I have my hubby. :-)
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Out With The Old, In With The New....
Goodbye 2011!!! After a hell of a year, I am happy to see this new year! Before I move forward, I needed to take time to reflect on the last year or so. ALOT has happened.
I typed up a short summary of the last year for my facebook page and as I was typing, I realised that it's a miracle that the hubby and I ever made it through last year. In brief, we moved from Vermont (oh how I miss it) to Southern California.... more specifically, to the high desert of SoCal.... A true wasteland in some senses of the word. We moved in with my in laws. Now, a word on this decision. My father in law had a stroke about a month before we decided to move to SoCal. My hubby, who is wonderful as previously mentioned, had a rough history with his dad and stepmother and had been working on putting it back together from VT. He decided that if something else happened to his dad and he had not tried his hardest to repair the relationship, that he would regret it come Game Over (He thinks in gamer terms.... someday I'll try to post an entry on his philosophy of life and death in gamers terms.... it's fascinating!). So long story short, too late, we moved here. And just in case you were wondering, my father in law has made a complete recovery physically, mentally, he fights depression and anger on a regular basis.
SO we arrived in SoCal, moved in with my in laws, and looked for jobs. This was disheartening and stressful. I finally found a job, and a new friend. First week of the new job, on the morning I had been invited over for breakfast by the new friend and her guy, I step into a hole in the parking lot and break my foot... and did I mention that new job was one where I stood for 12 hour shifts and had to walk about 5 miles a day in the store alone?? I pushed through it and kept working. Then about a month later, the hubby decides to have a ruptured appendix and have emergency surgery. I was sure my boss was going to fire me... but he didn't and it was all OK. The hubby is fine now but, as per the doctor, we waited so long to get him to the hospital due to no health care coverage, 12 more hours and I would have been a widow. He's fine now and snoring on the sofa nearby as I type. I relish every snore.... that means I still have him.
So we made it through the physical ailments! Things were chaotic but OK for about a month. The hubby was still looking for work. I was developing a hatred for my job as I realised that I didn't want to be in a sales environment ever again. I'm not pushy or manipulative enough for that job. And within about a month, things in our living situation went from OK to bad to worse. 6 additional people moved into the house. If you've lost count, that's now 10 people under one roof! We "became" a burden. Translation, we couldn't afford to pay as much as the new people, even though we did more around the house to keep it running smoothly. We were unceremoniously thrown out at the end of April with no explanation and no warning. With no place to go, no money, the hubby with no job, a house on the market across the country like an albatross around our necks and a battered and bruised soul, I gave up. I cried harder than I ever knew was possible. I felt my soul tear. I understand what wailing truly is now. For the first time in my life, I truly wanted to give up.
As I had made the decision to pack up my hubby, my animals and my pride and tuck my tail between my legs and move back to Georgia and in with MY parents, my cell phone rang and it was my husband telling me that he got the job he had been waiting to hear from for over a month. I couldn't walk away from that. Another new friend of mine had a house (that she has subsequently lost to foreclosure) and offered us a room for no rent to give us a chance to get on our feet. She knew that the house was being foreclosed on but offered us space as long as we needed it and as long as she still had the house. The next day, we got an offer on our house in VT. The next day, we had a closing date and the next we moved out of my in laws. We haven't spoken to them since.
Things again, went smoothly for about a month. Then, due to the sagging sales market and the unstable economy, I lost my job. That lead to the loss of direction and the creation of this blog... As you know from the other posts, that's when I decided to go back to school.
That has been a great decision! I love what I'm working on. I'm excited for the next chapter. It's still gonna be tough for a while as we are living on one income but, this time next year, I hope to be able to look back over 2012 and know that we're in a better place and that we had to go through everything we went through in order to get us to where we are now. I hope to be employed helping people in a healing way. I hope my hubby is happy at his job. I hope that we can become financially stable enough to not worry every month. I hope that we are both healthy. I hope that I can get to visit my family this year. I hope that I can not take for granted the blessings I receive. I hope that my loved ones, both friends and family, are all safe, happy, healthy and loved. Please know, for anyone who might read this, I love you! And thank you for giving of your time and energy to read my ramshackle thoughts.... 2011, out!
I typed up a short summary of the last year for my facebook page and as I was typing, I realised that it's a miracle that the hubby and I ever made it through last year. In brief, we moved from Vermont (oh how I miss it) to Southern California.... more specifically, to the high desert of SoCal.... A true wasteland in some senses of the word. We moved in with my in laws. Now, a word on this decision. My father in law had a stroke about a month before we decided to move to SoCal. My hubby, who is wonderful as previously mentioned, had a rough history with his dad and stepmother and had been working on putting it back together from VT. He decided that if something else happened to his dad and he had not tried his hardest to repair the relationship, that he would regret it come Game Over (He thinks in gamer terms.... someday I'll try to post an entry on his philosophy of life and death in gamers terms.... it's fascinating!). So long story short, too late, we moved here. And just in case you were wondering, my father in law has made a complete recovery physically, mentally, he fights depression and anger on a regular basis.
SO we arrived in SoCal, moved in with my in laws, and looked for jobs. This was disheartening and stressful. I finally found a job, and a new friend. First week of the new job, on the morning I had been invited over for breakfast by the new friend and her guy, I step into a hole in the parking lot and break my foot... and did I mention that new job was one where I stood for 12 hour shifts and had to walk about 5 miles a day in the store alone?? I pushed through it and kept working. Then about a month later, the hubby decides to have a ruptured appendix and have emergency surgery. I was sure my boss was going to fire me... but he didn't and it was all OK. The hubby is fine now but, as per the doctor, we waited so long to get him to the hospital due to no health care coverage, 12 more hours and I would have been a widow. He's fine now and snoring on the sofa nearby as I type. I relish every snore.... that means I still have him.
So we made it through the physical ailments! Things were chaotic but OK for about a month. The hubby was still looking for work. I was developing a hatred for my job as I realised that I didn't want to be in a sales environment ever again. I'm not pushy or manipulative enough for that job. And within about a month, things in our living situation went from OK to bad to worse. 6 additional people moved into the house. If you've lost count, that's now 10 people under one roof! We "became" a burden. Translation, we couldn't afford to pay as much as the new people, even though we did more around the house to keep it running smoothly. We were unceremoniously thrown out at the end of April with no explanation and no warning. With no place to go, no money, the hubby with no job, a house on the market across the country like an albatross around our necks and a battered and bruised soul, I gave up. I cried harder than I ever knew was possible. I felt my soul tear. I understand what wailing truly is now. For the first time in my life, I truly wanted to give up.
As I had made the decision to pack up my hubby, my animals and my pride and tuck my tail between my legs and move back to Georgia and in with MY parents, my cell phone rang and it was my husband telling me that he got the job he had been waiting to hear from for over a month. I couldn't walk away from that. Another new friend of mine had a house (that she has subsequently lost to foreclosure) and offered us a room for no rent to give us a chance to get on our feet. She knew that the house was being foreclosed on but offered us space as long as we needed it and as long as she still had the house. The next day, we got an offer on our house in VT. The next day, we had a closing date and the next we moved out of my in laws. We haven't spoken to them since.
Things again, went smoothly for about a month. Then, due to the sagging sales market and the unstable economy, I lost my job. That lead to the loss of direction and the creation of this blog... As you know from the other posts, that's when I decided to go back to school.
That has been a great decision! I love what I'm working on. I'm excited for the next chapter. It's still gonna be tough for a while as we are living on one income but, this time next year, I hope to be able to look back over 2012 and know that we're in a better place and that we had to go through everything we went through in order to get us to where we are now. I hope to be employed helping people in a healing way. I hope my hubby is happy at his job. I hope that we can become financially stable enough to not worry every month. I hope that we are both healthy. I hope that I can get to visit my family this year. I hope that I can not take for granted the blessings I receive. I hope that my loved ones, both friends and family, are all safe, happy, healthy and loved. Please know, for anyone who might read this, I love you! And thank you for giving of your time and energy to read my ramshackle thoughts.... 2011, out!
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