Boy! Time flies when you're busy and poor! I am halfway through my school program and I'm hitting a wall. I'm really struggling with my self confidence. I keep wondering if I've made the right choice. I have so many moments when I feel like I was just dreaming to think I could do this. Will I know enough? Will I learn enough? Will my body and hands hold up? Can I really make a living doing this? Will anyone like what I do? Can I afford to finish school?
That last question is something I struggle with daily. We are SO thin on cash. I try so hard to keep on top of the bills but with me unable to find work and living on my unemployment and Matt's hours getting cut by 5 hours a week, I just don't know how we're gonna make it work.... We're already so balanced on a pinhead financially that this latest blow is really hard to swallow. I keep wondering if it's worth me finishing this program but I'm committed to it, so onward I go. I want to be able to help people and help myself as well. I'm not asking for much, really, I'm not. I just want to be able to pay my bills and feed my family and have a tiny bit left over in case of emergency or for much needed dental work. I used to think that those things couldn't possibly be THAT hard but now I know different. I don't know how some people do it. How do they find the strength to get up everyday knowing that they won't make enough to pay their bills and no matter how much they put into their work, it will go unappreciated? I really get it now. You just do. You have 2 choices: live or die, wake up or not, try or give up. Sometimes the right choice is the harder one. In fact, usually the right choice is the harder choice. I keep thinking how "easy" it was to just have a job. Because, I've only had "jobs". I could wake up, go to work, do my work to the best of my ability, and go home. I've cared deeply about my "job" before but I've never been so emotionally invested in a career as I am now in this schooling and hopefully, moving forward into a "real" job... not just a 9-5 thing to pay the bills. I want to love what I do.
Rambling... yeah.... I know. Just needed to get it out. I need to take a deep breath and remember that tough times will pass, keep working hard, there WILL be a benefit somewhere down the road even if I can't see it yet. Besides, I've already won.... I have my hubby. :-)
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