So it's been a bit since I've sat down to write anything. That's because on Monday, September 19, 2011, I went back to school. I cannot even come close to explaining how scary this is for me!!! Anyone who has known me since my last school experience can tell you.... I am NOT good at school. I never finished. I left after my 5th year of college, degreeless. I knew then and I still know now that it was the right decision for me to leave school when I did. I was miserable, burnt out and unsure of what I was doing and why.
I have always believed in listening to your "gut" but I have not always followed my own advice. I'm so glad that I did in March of 1999. I remember so clearly driving home on a Thursday night from choir rehearsal. It was about 10 pm and I had about a 25 minute drive from the small town that the church was in to my house. The "highway" was one of those non-highway highways that is only built to connect the MAIN highway or interstate to a location that used to be off the beaten path but has risen up in travel location importance. This is in the middle of North Carolina so it was DARK, no highway lights, no other traffic and the road seemingly going on forever just beyond my headlights. I was driving my Saturn (I loved that car) and may have even had it on cruise control. I was miserable. I felt so lost. I wanted out so badly. All I could think was, "I wonder if there's a way I could drive off the road and into a tree hard enough to put me in the hospital for at least 6 weeks but not hard enough to kill myself." I'm not making this up. I remember that sentence as clearly as I can see my hands typing this right now. I thought this all the way home. I even tried to figure out angles at which to hit said tree. I woke up the next morning and cried. I cried so hard I thought my soul would come out of my body. I knew then that something was really wrong. I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. I picked up the phone and called the mental health hotline. I got help. I left school 2 months later at the end of the year and have never looked back.
Now, 12 years later, I'm looking back. Honestly, I still question, from time to time, if I made the right decision, but I KNOW in my "gut" that I did. I was rapidly on the way to losing myself. I never want to feel like I did that night ever again. I felt hollow and empty and hopeless. I often lament the loss of the life I might have had but I am ready to let that go. If I hadn't left school, I would not be where I am today. Our choices make us who we are.
Today, I am married to the most amazing, sometimes frustrating (aren't we all frustrating to someone at times??), man who I would NEVER have met if I had stayed the course 12 years ago. I have lived in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I have made friends for life. I have had truly unexpected work experiences that I would have never considered if I had stayed the course. All of that brought me to where I am at this moment in my life. I'm starting over in the whole "I want to be _______ when I grow up." On Monday, September 19, 2011, I started school. I am studying to become a Massage Therapist. I feel more at peace than I have in years. I know this is the right decision. I listened to my "gut". I am excited at the path I'm on and I look forward to making a difference in someones life, one back, foot, neck, head, etc.... rub at a time.
Friday, September 23, 2011
Sunday, September 11, 2011
9-11.... remembering
I have nothing profound to say. Like so many others, I still wonder what happened 10 years ago today.... why did the world change? What did we do? Was it real? Looking back now, it seems like a horrible dream/nightmare, like something that can't possibly be true. Isn't this just a movie plot thought up by Hollywood that we watched many years ago?
Sitting here now, I remember that day and the myriad of emotions and degrees of acceptance that this was ACTUALLY happening. I worked as an Admin Asst in a church in Atlanta, GA. On Monday, September 10, 2001, my nephew was born. He was 2 1/2 months early and his life was in danger. On Tuesday morning, the church had it's weekly meeting and if you wanted to get someone on next Sunday's prayer list, that was the deadline. I remember driving to work and for the first time in forever, I decided NOT to listen to NPR but to put in a CD. I got to the church and immediately went to the secretary to the preacher and asked that my nephew be put on the prayer list. I was feeling scared for him but otherwise good. I went to my desk and logged into my computer and, like a good office worker of the early 2000's, I logged into an online chat program to chat with my friends while I worked (yeah, yeah, I see the error of my ways now...) One of my friends sent an immediate message, go turn on the news.... NOW! I worked in the music department and the location of our offices were under the nave, that is to say, in an official bomb shelter. No TV down there. I dug through the cupboards and found an old boom box, circa 1984, and plugged it in. The first thing I heard was Peter Jennings voice saying that a second plane had JUST struck the towers. My boss wanted to know why I was turning on the radio during office hours and when he heard that, he just stopped in his tracks. I remember standing shocked for a moment and feeling the blood drain out of my head. I rushed over to my computer and tried to pull up CNN.com, then MSNBC.com, then 11-alive.com. Finally, I got something to play live on my computer. I don't remember now which live feed it was, but I saw my first picture of NYC and the horror that was unfolding. We all stood or sat, transfixed by what we saw. When the south tower fell, I heard Peter Jennings voice and watched the image. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. How could something so massive and strong and seemingly solid just be GONE??? At this point I was having a hard time seeing the screen and wondered if we were losing transmission. Nope, I was crying so hard, I couldn't see through the tears. When the north tower fell, I was numb. At this point, my boss sent us all home. My parents lived less than a mile from the church but I didn't go there, I went to my apartment, about 1 1/2 miles from the church, and sat on my sofa and watched as the world changed forever. I cried all day. I couldn't turn away from the TV, just watching, in hopes that the hole in the Pentagon was just some special effect shot from an upcoming movie. I was waiting for someone to tell us it was all a hoax. I was waiting to find out that I knew someone who was there....
I used to be a performer. I went to art school. My friends are all over the world. MANY of them, for obvious reasons, are in New York City. I had friends who did temp work all over the city. I knew of one of them who, at the time, had told me about her temp assignment in the World Trade Towers. Was she there that day? I remember trying to call her and leaving messages, "Please just email me and let me know that you're ok." As it turned out, thank god, she was ok. Her assignment had ended about a week prior. A few days later, I found out, I had known someone who was now gone. He wasn't a close friend. He had been the roommate of my first love in college. He was a staunch republican whose personal hero was Rush Limbaugh. He was short, stocky and had a big smile and bright blue eyes. He was in his office at the top of the south tower. We didn't see eye to eye on many things but the three of us hung out a lot in the 4 months I was at that school and had a lot of laughs. My ex and I have been best of friends since then and he was the one who told me to turn on the news. He was also the one who told me about Alan.
So, now, 10 years later, I take time to put all of this information down more for myself than anyone else. The world is not the same. We lost our innocence. My generation now has their own version of "Where were you when..." I don't want it. I think the America that was before, died that day and we have had to rebirth ourselves. The problem is that we're not grown up yet as a country. In this rebirth we are only in the petulant child stage. Too many people are stomping their feet and demanding their way. I look forward, with hope, that we will, once again, get to a place of compromise and compassion. I believe in this country. I believe in the people of this country. I believe that one day, the American people will rise up again to declare that we have had enough of the posturing and we want real change. We may be struggling now, but I do believe that our best is yet to come. But before we can move forward, let's look back and remember the shock, the horror, the grief, the acceptance, the defiance, the will and the coming together of a country to stand up, battered, but proud. Never forget the 2,977 people who lost their lives on that day and the innumerable people who have given their lives in defense of freedom.....
Sitting here now, I remember that day and the myriad of emotions and degrees of acceptance that this was ACTUALLY happening. I worked as an Admin Asst in a church in Atlanta, GA. On Monday, September 10, 2001, my nephew was born. He was 2 1/2 months early and his life was in danger. On Tuesday morning, the church had it's weekly meeting and if you wanted to get someone on next Sunday's prayer list, that was the deadline. I remember driving to work and for the first time in forever, I decided NOT to listen to NPR but to put in a CD. I got to the church and immediately went to the secretary to the preacher and asked that my nephew be put on the prayer list. I was feeling scared for him but otherwise good. I went to my desk and logged into my computer and, like a good office worker of the early 2000's, I logged into an online chat program to chat with my friends while I worked (yeah, yeah, I see the error of my ways now...) One of my friends sent an immediate message, go turn on the news.... NOW! I worked in the music department and the location of our offices were under the nave, that is to say, in an official bomb shelter. No TV down there. I dug through the cupboards and found an old boom box, circa 1984, and plugged it in. The first thing I heard was Peter Jennings voice saying that a second plane had JUST struck the towers. My boss wanted to know why I was turning on the radio during office hours and when he heard that, he just stopped in his tracks. I remember standing shocked for a moment and feeling the blood drain out of my head. I rushed over to my computer and tried to pull up CNN.com, then MSNBC.com, then 11-alive.com. Finally, I got something to play live on my computer. I don't remember now which live feed it was, but I saw my first picture of NYC and the horror that was unfolding. We all stood or sat, transfixed by what we saw. When the south tower fell, I heard Peter Jennings voice and watched the image. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. How could something so massive and strong and seemingly solid just be GONE??? At this point I was having a hard time seeing the screen and wondered if we were losing transmission. Nope, I was crying so hard, I couldn't see through the tears. When the north tower fell, I was numb. At this point, my boss sent us all home. My parents lived less than a mile from the church but I didn't go there, I went to my apartment, about 1 1/2 miles from the church, and sat on my sofa and watched as the world changed forever. I cried all day. I couldn't turn away from the TV, just watching, in hopes that the hole in the Pentagon was just some special effect shot from an upcoming movie. I was waiting for someone to tell us it was all a hoax. I was waiting to find out that I knew someone who was there....
I used to be a performer. I went to art school. My friends are all over the world. MANY of them, for obvious reasons, are in New York City. I had friends who did temp work all over the city. I knew of one of them who, at the time, had told me about her temp assignment in the World Trade Towers. Was she there that day? I remember trying to call her and leaving messages, "Please just email me and let me know that you're ok." As it turned out, thank god, she was ok. Her assignment had ended about a week prior. A few days later, I found out, I had known someone who was now gone. He wasn't a close friend. He had been the roommate of my first love in college. He was a staunch republican whose personal hero was Rush Limbaugh. He was short, stocky and had a big smile and bright blue eyes. He was in his office at the top of the south tower. We didn't see eye to eye on many things but the three of us hung out a lot in the 4 months I was at that school and had a lot of laughs. My ex and I have been best of friends since then and he was the one who told me to turn on the news. He was also the one who told me about Alan.
So, now, 10 years later, I take time to put all of this information down more for myself than anyone else. The world is not the same. We lost our innocence. My generation now has their own version of "Where were you when..." I don't want it. I think the America that was before, died that day and we have had to rebirth ourselves. The problem is that we're not grown up yet as a country. In this rebirth we are only in the petulant child stage. Too many people are stomping their feet and demanding their way. I look forward, with hope, that we will, once again, get to a place of compromise and compassion. I believe in this country. I believe in the people of this country. I believe that one day, the American people will rise up again to declare that we have had enough of the posturing and we want real change. We may be struggling now, but I do believe that our best is yet to come. But before we can move forward, let's look back and remember the shock, the horror, the grief, the acceptance, the defiance, the will and the coming together of a country to stand up, battered, but proud. Never forget the 2,977 people who lost their lives on that day and the innumerable people who have given their lives in defense of freedom.....
Saturday, September 3, 2011
What Makes a Family?
Family! What a word! To everyone it means something different. For some, it conjures up warm images of home and hearth and holidays. For others is brings up sad or painful or angry feelings. But, really, what is a real family? What makes up a true family? What does family really mean?
A little background on me and MY family. I am southern with a capital S.... Southern. We are close in the way that "family" is supposed to be. We may have our ups and downs but we're always there in a bind. I have 5 brothers, 4 older and 1 younger, and one sister who is the LOVE of my LIFE! I don't have regular communication with most of my siblings, as we did not grow up together, but I do love them and would be there for them if I could help in anyway. My younger brother and my sister and I grew up together. I'm a stupidly proud big sister to both my younger siblings.... They are both amazing humans I am glad to know! I talk to them both on a regular basis and love them more than words. I am SO proud of who they are and what they have accomplished. I would give them the shirt off my back, though it would be too big for both of them (they're of the skinny people.) I have 4 aunts, 2 uncles, 4 immediate cousins and TONS of extended family!! They are from all walks of life. I am particularly close to my mothers sister. She and I have a special bond that goes WAY beyond aunt and niece and approaches something closer to friend, confidante and soul mate. While a long way apart in the physical sense, I am very close to my family!
My husbands family is very different. They seem destined to hurt each other as much as possible until someone flinches and moves away and stops talking to the other part. It's horrible. I have never experienced this in my own life so I did not believe him until I experienced it for myself. We lived with my in laws for 6 months. We moved clear across the country because, due to a health scare that my husbands father went though, my husband felt that if he did not take the chance to try one more time to repair his relationship with his family, that it would be something he would regret when he goes to meet his maker (who he swears is a gaming god so his analogy was more like when he runs out of quarters to continue his game, etc...) Now, I get it. I see what he was talking about. I experienced the venom and negativity. I was shocked. I was miserable. I stopped believing in myself or in our ability to accomplish anything worth anything. Thank God, we were able to extricate ourselves from this situation. Thank God, we had each other. My heart bleeds for him. No one should have to feel the way he has been made to feel. When he and I first got together, I remember asking him, in a get to know you sorta way, if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go. His response broke my heart. "I was told that I would never accomplish anything so it was foolish to dream." I could not believe that a parent would ever say that to their child. My soul hurt for that little boy who should have been told to reach for the stars and that anything is possible! Sadly, I get it now. I now know why he didn't believe in himself for so long.
How could my family and his family be SO different? After thinking about this for a long time, I mean we've been married for 5 1/2 years and together for 7, I realised something I'd forgotten. Family to me isn't just the people I'm related to through blood. My family are the people I know would help me out in a pinch as I would do for them. My family consists of people from all walks of life who are spread throughout the world. My family consists of blood relatives, friends and people I haven't spoken to in years. My family is wide spread and vast. My family is all ages, races, nationalities, sexual preferences, heights, weights and socio-economic backgrounds. I could not imagine my life without any of them. These are people that I know would be there for me and I for them no matter what. My family are the people who encourage me to live up to my potential or support my latest "I want to be this when I grow up." I am truly blessed in my family. I want to take this last moment to thank them all. They have stood by me when I have been down and out. They have listened, cried, laughed, hugged and supported me and my husband through some truly trying times in the last few years. I have been a less than pleasant person to deal with at times. I would not have made it without my family. So, as one truly humbled, thank you.....
A little background on me and MY family. I am southern with a capital S.... Southern. We are close in the way that "family" is supposed to be. We may have our ups and downs but we're always there in a bind. I have 5 brothers, 4 older and 1 younger, and one sister who is the LOVE of my LIFE! I don't have regular communication with most of my siblings, as we did not grow up together, but I do love them and would be there for them if I could help in anyway. My younger brother and my sister and I grew up together. I'm a stupidly proud big sister to both my younger siblings.... They are both amazing humans I am glad to know! I talk to them both on a regular basis and love them more than words. I am SO proud of who they are and what they have accomplished. I would give them the shirt off my back, though it would be too big for both of them (they're of the skinny people.) I have 4 aunts, 2 uncles, 4 immediate cousins and TONS of extended family!! They are from all walks of life. I am particularly close to my mothers sister. She and I have a special bond that goes WAY beyond aunt and niece and approaches something closer to friend, confidante and soul mate. While a long way apart in the physical sense, I am very close to my family!
My husbands family is very different. They seem destined to hurt each other as much as possible until someone flinches and moves away and stops talking to the other part. It's horrible. I have never experienced this in my own life so I did not believe him until I experienced it for myself. We lived with my in laws for 6 months. We moved clear across the country because, due to a health scare that my husbands father went though, my husband felt that if he did not take the chance to try one more time to repair his relationship with his family, that it would be something he would regret when he goes to meet his maker (who he swears is a gaming god so his analogy was more like when he runs out of quarters to continue his game, etc...) Now, I get it. I see what he was talking about. I experienced the venom and negativity. I was shocked. I was miserable. I stopped believing in myself or in our ability to accomplish anything worth anything. Thank God, we were able to extricate ourselves from this situation. Thank God, we had each other. My heart bleeds for him. No one should have to feel the way he has been made to feel. When he and I first got together, I remember asking him, in a get to know you sorta way, if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go. His response broke my heart. "I was told that I would never accomplish anything so it was foolish to dream." I could not believe that a parent would ever say that to their child. My soul hurt for that little boy who should have been told to reach for the stars and that anything is possible! Sadly, I get it now. I now know why he didn't believe in himself for so long.
How could my family and his family be SO different? After thinking about this for a long time, I mean we've been married for 5 1/2 years and together for 7, I realised something I'd forgotten. Family to me isn't just the people I'm related to through blood. My family are the people I know would help me out in a pinch as I would do for them. My family consists of people from all walks of life who are spread throughout the world. My family consists of blood relatives, friends and people I haven't spoken to in years. My family is wide spread and vast. My family is all ages, races, nationalities, sexual preferences, heights, weights and socio-economic backgrounds. I could not imagine my life without any of them. These are people that I know would be there for me and I for them no matter what. My family are the people who encourage me to live up to my potential or support my latest "I want to be this when I grow up." I am truly blessed in my family. I want to take this last moment to thank them all. They have stood by me when I have been down and out. They have listened, cried, laughed, hugged and supported me and my husband through some truly trying times in the last few years. I have been a less than pleasant person to deal with at times. I would not have made it without my family. So, as one truly humbled, thank you.....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)