So it's been a bit since I've sat down to write anything. That's because on Monday, September 19, 2011, I went back to school. I cannot even come close to explaining how scary this is for me!!! Anyone who has known me since my last school experience can tell you.... I am NOT good at school. I never finished. I left after my 5th year of college, degreeless. I knew then and I still know now that it was the right decision for me to leave school when I did. I was miserable, burnt out and unsure of what I was doing and why.
I have always believed in listening to your "gut" but I have not always followed my own advice. I'm so glad that I did in March of 1999. I remember so clearly driving home on a Thursday night from choir rehearsal. It was about 10 pm and I had about a 25 minute drive from the small town that the church was in to my house. The "highway" was one of those non-highway highways that is only built to connect the MAIN highway or interstate to a location that used to be off the beaten path but has risen up in travel location importance. This is in the middle of North Carolina so it was DARK, no highway lights, no other traffic and the road seemingly going on forever just beyond my headlights. I was driving my Saturn (I loved that car) and may have even had it on cruise control. I was miserable. I felt so lost. I wanted out so badly. All I could think was, "I wonder if there's a way I could drive off the road and into a tree hard enough to put me in the hospital for at least 6 weeks but not hard enough to kill myself." I'm not making this up. I remember that sentence as clearly as I can see my hands typing this right now. I thought this all the way home. I even tried to figure out angles at which to hit said tree. I woke up the next morning and cried. I cried so hard I thought my soul would come out of my body. I knew then that something was really wrong. I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. I picked up the phone and called the mental health hotline. I got help. I left school 2 months later at the end of the year and have never looked back.
Now, 12 years later, I'm looking back. Honestly, I still question, from time to time, if I made the right decision, but I KNOW in my "gut" that I did. I was rapidly on the way to losing myself. I never want to feel like I did that night ever again. I felt hollow and empty and hopeless. I often lament the loss of the life I might have had but I am ready to let that go. If I hadn't left school, I would not be where I am today. Our choices make us who we are.
Today, I am married to the most amazing, sometimes frustrating (aren't we all frustrating to someone at times??), man who I would NEVER have met if I had stayed the course 12 years ago. I have lived in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I have made friends for life. I have had truly unexpected work experiences that I would have never considered if I had stayed the course. All of that brought me to where I am at this moment in my life. I'm starting over in the whole "I want to be _______ when I grow up." On Monday, September 19, 2011, I started school. I am studying to become a Massage Therapist. I feel more at peace than I have in years. I know this is the right decision. I listened to my "gut". I am excited at the path I'm on and I look forward to making a difference in someones life, one back, foot, neck, head, etc.... rub at a time.
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