So today is my 37th birthday. Amazing.... truly. I think I'm in shock! 37 used to sound so old... or at least, it was the age where people were ADULTS. They were married, had 2.5 kids and a house with a dog and a white picket fence. Well, I'm married and I have 2 dogs and a cat in a rented duplex, and I'm in school figuring out what I want to be when I grow up.
Today, I can only reflect on where I am and how I got here. I can honestly say I wouldn't change a thing because then I wouldn't be where I am now. I know that sounds odd but it's the life choices we make, both good and bad, that land us where we are currently. While I kind of wish I had known at 18 to follow my instincts and actually fight to take a year off from school as I wanted to do, if I had, would I have met my husband? I could play the "what if" game but it's not worth looking back. I may not be perfect. I may not have an amazing career (yet), I may not be financially solvent (yet), but what I am is 100% me. I think the one piece of advice I would give my younger self would be to close your ears and open your heart to what YOU really want.
I am blessed on this 37th birthday. I have a family that I cherish. I have animals that are my children. I have friends that fill my soul with love and laughter. I have a husband that I I love more than that word can or will ever convey. I AM finally figuring out what I want to be when I grow up. And I still believe in hope and miracles.
Happy Birthday to me! And may there be many more! And may I learn from each year past, a bit of wisdom to carry forward into my future!
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
My long and winding road.....
So it's been a bit since I've sat down to write anything. That's because on Monday, September 19, 2011, I went back to school. I cannot even come close to explaining how scary this is for me!!! Anyone who has known me since my last school experience can tell you.... I am NOT good at school. I never finished. I left after my 5th year of college, degreeless. I knew then and I still know now that it was the right decision for me to leave school when I did. I was miserable, burnt out and unsure of what I was doing and why.
I have always believed in listening to your "gut" but I have not always followed my own advice. I'm so glad that I did in March of 1999. I remember so clearly driving home on a Thursday night from choir rehearsal. It was about 10 pm and I had about a 25 minute drive from the small town that the church was in to my house. The "highway" was one of those non-highway highways that is only built to connect the MAIN highway or interstate to a location that used to be off the beaten path but has risen up in travel location importance. This is in the middle of North Carolina so it was DARK, no highway lights, no other traffic and the road seemingly going on forever just beyond my headlights. I was driving my Saturn (I loved that car) and may have even had it on cruise control. I was miserable. I felt so lost. I wanted out so badly. All I could think was, "I wonder if there's a way I could drive off the road and into a tree hard enough to put me in the hospital for at least 6 weeks but not hard enough to kill myself." I'm not making this up. I remember that sentence as clearly as I can see my hands typing this right now. I thought this all the way home. I even tried to figure out angles at which to hit said tree. I woke up the next morning and cried. I cried so hard I thought my soul would come out of my body. I knew then that something was really wrong. I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. I picked up the phone and called the mental health hotline. I got help. I left school 2 months later at the end of the year and have never looked back.
Now, 12 years later, I'm looking back. Honestly, I still question, from time to time, if I made the right decision, but I KNOW in my "gut" that I did. I was rapidly on the way to losing myself. I never want to feel like I did that night ever again. I felt hollow and empty and hopeless. I often lament the loss of the life I might have had but I am ready to let that go. If I hadn't left school, I would not be where I am today. Our choices make us who we are.
Today, I am married to the most amazing, sometimes frustrating (aren't we all frustrating to someone at times??), man who I would NEVER have met if I had stayed the course 12 years ago. I have lived in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I have made friends for life. I have had truly unexpected work experiences that I would have never considered if I had stayed the course. All of that brought me to where I am at this moment in my life. I'm starting over in the whole "I want to be _______ when I grow up." On Monday, September 19, 2011, I started school. I am studying to become a Massage Therapist. I feel more at peace than I have in years. I know this is the right decision. I listened to my "gut". I am excited at the path I'm on and I look forward to making a difference in someones life, one back, foot, neck, head, etc.... rub at a time.
I have always believed in listening to your "gut" but I have not always followed my own advice. I'm so glad that I did in March of 1999. I remember so clearly driving home on a Thursday night from choir rehearsal. It was about 10 pm and I had about a 25 minute drive from the small town that the church was in to my house. The "highway" was one of those non-highway highways that is only built to connect the MAIN highway or interstate to a location that used to be off the beaten path but has risen up in travel location importance. This is in the middle of North Carolina so it was DARK, no highway lights, no other traffic and the road seemingly going on forever just beyond my headlights. I was driving my Saturn (I loved that car) and may have even had it on cruise control. I was miserable. I felt so lost. I wanted out so badly. All I could think was, "I wonder if there's a way I could drive off the road and into a tree hard enough to put me in the hospital for at least 6 weeks but not hard enough to kill myself." I'm not making this up. I remember that sentence as clearly as I can see my hands typing this right now. I thought this all the way home. I even tried to figure out angles at which to hit said tree. I woke up the next morning and cried. I cried so hard I thought my soul would come out of my body. I knew then that something was really wrong. I was in the wrong place doing the wrong thing. I picked up the phone and called the mental health hotline. I got help. I left school 2 months later at the end of the year and have never looked back.
Now, 12 years later, I'm looking back. Honestly, I still question, from time to time, if I made the right decision, but I KNOW in my "gut" that I did. I was rapidly on the way to losing myself. I never want to feel like I did that night ever again. I felt hollow and empty and hopeless. I often lament the loss of the life I might have had but I am ready to let that go. If I hadn't left school, I would not be where I am today. Our choices make us who we are.
Today, I am married to the most amazing, sometimes frustrating (aren't we all frustrating to someone at times??), man who I would NEVER have met if I had stayed the course 12 years ago. I have lived in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I have made friends for life. I have had truly unexpected work experiences that I would have never considered if I had stayed the course. All of that brought me to where I am at this moment in my life. I'm starting over in the whole "I want to be _______ when I grow up." On Monday, September 19, 2011, I started school. I am studying to become a Massage Therapist. I feel more at peace than I have in years. I know this is the right decision. I listened to my "gut". I am excited at the path I'm on and I look forward to making a difference in someones life, one back, foot, neck, head, etc.... rub at a time.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
9-11.... remembering
I have nothing profound to say. Like so many others, I still wonder what happened 10 years ago today.... why did the world change? What did we do? Was it real? Looking back now, it seems like a horrible dream/nightmare, like something that can't possibly be true. Isn't this just a movie plot thought up by Hollywood that we watched many years ago?
Sitting here now, I remember that day and the myriad of emotions and degrees of acceptance that this was ACTUALLY happening. I worked as an Admin Asst in a church in Atlanta, GA. On Monday, September 10, 2001, my nephew was born. He was 2 1/2 months early and his life was in danger. On Tuesday morning, the church had it's weekly meeting and if you wanted to get someone on next Sunday's prayer list, that was the deadline. I remember driving to work and for the first time in forever, I decided NOT to listen to NPR but to put in a CD. I got to the church and immediately went to the secretary to the preacher and asked that my nephew be put on the prayer list. I was feeling scared for him but otherwise good. I went to my desk and logged into my computer and, like a good office worker of the early 2000's, I logged into an online chat program to chat with my friends while I worked (yeah, yeah, I see the error of my ways now...) One of my friends sent an immediate message, go turn on the news.... NOW! I worked in the music department and the location of our offices were under the nave, that is to say, in an official bomb shelter. No TV down there. I dug through the cupboards and found an old boom box, circa 1984, and plugged it in. The first thing I heard was Peter Jennings voice saying that a second plane had JUST struck the towers. My boss wanted to know why I was turning on the radio during office hours and when he heard that, he just stopped in his tracks. I remember standing shocked for a moment and feeling the blood drain out of my head. I rushed over to my computer and tried to pull up CNN.com, then MSNBC.com, then 11-alive.com. Finally, I got something to play live on my computer. I don't remember now which live feed it was, but I saw my first picture of NYC and the horror that was unfolding. We all stood or sat, transfixed by what we saw. When the south tower fell, I heard Peter Jennings voice and watched the image. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. How could something so massive and strong and seemingly solid just be GONE??? At this point I was having a hard time seeing the screen and wondered if we were losing transmission. Nope, I was crying so hard, I couldn't see through the tears. When the north tower fell, I was numb. At this point, my boss sent us all home. My parents lived less than a mile from the church but I didn't go there, I went to my apartment, about 1 1/2 miles from the church, and sat on my sofa and watched as the world changed forever. I cried all day. I couldn't turn away from the TV, just watching, in hopes that the hole in the Pentagon was just some special effect shot from an upcoming movie. I was waiting for someone to tell us it was all a hoax. I was waiting to find out that I knew someone who was there....
I used to be a performer. I went to art school. My friends are all over the world. MANY of them, for obvious reasons, are in New York City. I had friends who did temp work all over the city. I knew of one of them who, at the time, had told me about her temp assignment in the World Trade Towers. Was she there that day? I remember trying to call her and leaving messages, "Please just email me and let me know that you're ok." As it turned out, thank god, she was ok. Her assignment had ended about a week prior. A few days later, I found out, I had known someone who was now gone. He wasn't a close friend. He had been the roommate of my first love in college. He was a staunch republican whose personal hero was Rush Limbaugh. He was short, stocky and had a big smile and bright blue eyes. He was in his office at the top of the south tower. We didn't see eye to eye on many things but the three of us hung out a lot in the 4 months I was at that school and had a lot of laughs. My ex and I have been best of friends since then and he was the one who told me to turn on the news. He was also the one who told me about Alan.
So, now, 10 years later, I take time to put all of this information down more for myself than anyone else. The world is not the same. We lost our innocence. My generation now has their own version of "Where were you when..." I don't want it. I think the America that was before, died that day and we have had to rebirth ourselves. The problem is that we're not grown up yet as a country. In this rebirth we are only in the petulant child stage. Too many people are stomping their feet and demanding their way. I look forward, with hope, that we will, once again, get to a place of compromise and compassion. I believe in this country. I believe in the people of this country. I believe that one day, the American people will rise up again to declare that we have had enough of the posturing and we want real change. We may be struggling now, but I do believe that our best is yet to come. But before we can move forward, let's look back and remember the shock, the horror, the grief, the acceptance, the defiance, the will and the coming together of a country to stand up, battered, but proud. Never forget the 2,977 people who lost their lives on that day and the innumerable people who have given their lives in defense of freedom.....
Sitting here now, I remember that day and the myriad of emotions and degrees of acceptance that this was ACTUALLY happening. I worked as an Admin Asst in a church in Atlanta, GA. On Monday, September 10, 2001, my nephew was born. He was 2 1/2 months early and his life was in danger. On Tuesday morning, the church had it's weekly meeting and if you wanted to get someone on next Sunday's prayer list, that was the deadline. I remember driving to work and for the first time in forever, I decided NOT to listen to NPR but to put in a CD. I got to the church and immediately went to the secretary to the preacher and asked that my nephew be put on the prayer list. I was feeling scared for him but otherwise good. I went to my desk and logged into my computer and, like a good office worker of the early 2000's, I logged into an online chat program to chat with my friends while I worked (yeah, yeah, I see the error of my ways now...) One of my friends sent an immediate message, go turn on the news.... NOW! I worked in the music department and the location of our offices were under the nave, that is to say, in an official bomb shelter. No TV down there. I dug through the cupboards and found an old boom box, circa 1984, and plugged it in. The first thing I heard was Peter Jennings voice saying that a second plane had JUST struck the towers. My boss wanted to know why I was turning on the radio during office hours and when he heard that, he just stopped in his tracks. I remember standing shocked for a moment and feeling the blood drain out of my head. I rushed over to my computer and tried to pull up CNN.com, then MSNBC.com, then 11-alive.com. Finally, I got something to play live on my computer. I don't remember now which live feed it was, but I saw my first picture of NYC and the horror that was unfolding. We all stood or sat, transfixed by what we saw. When the south tower fell, I heard Peter Jennings voice and watched the image. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. How could something so massive and strong and seemingly solid just be GONE??? At this point I was having a hard time seeing the screen and wondered if we were losing transmission. Nope, I was crying so hard, I couldn't see through the tears. When the north tower fell, I was numb. At this point, my boss sent us all home. My parents lived less than a mile from the church but I didn't go there, I went to my apartment, about 1 1/2 miles from the church, and sat on my sofa and watched as the world changed forever. I cried all day. I couldn't turn away from the TV, just watching, in hopes that the hole in the Pentagon was just some special effect shot from an upcoming movie. I was waiting for someone to tell us it was all a hoax. I was waiting to find out that I knew someone who was there....
I used to be a performer. I went to art school. My friends are all over the world. MANY of them, for obvious reasons, are in New York City. I had friends who did temp work all over the city. I knew of one of them who, at the time, had told me about her temp assignment in the World Trade Towers. Was she there that day? I remember trying to call her and leaving messages, "Please just email me and let me know that you're ok." As it turned out, thank god, she was ok. Her assignment had ended about a week prior. A few days later, I found out, I had known someone who was now gone. He wasn't a close friend. He had been the roommate of my first love in college. He was a staunch republican whose personal hero was Rush Limbaugh. He was short, stocky and had a big smile and bright blue eyes. He was in his office at the top of the south tower. We didn't see eye to eye on many things but the three of us hung out a lot in the 4 months I was at that school and had a lot of laughs. My ex and I have been best of friends since then and he was the one who told me to turn on the news. He was also the one who told me about Alan.
So, now, 10 years later, I take time to put all of this information down more for myself than anyone else. The world is not the same. We lost our innocence. My generation now has their own version of "Where were you when..." I don't want it. I think the America that was before, died that day and we have had to rebirth ourselves. The problem is that we're not grown up yet as a country. In this rebirth we are only in the petulant child stage. Too many people are stomping their feet and demanding their way. I look forward, with hope, that we will, once again, get to a place of compromise and compassion. I believe in this country. I believe in the people of this country. I believe that one day, the American people will rise up again to declare that we have had enough of the posturing and we want real change. We may be struggling now, but I do believe that our best is yet to come. But before we can move forward, let's look back and remember the shock, the horror, the grief, the acceptance, the defiance, the will and the coming together of a country to stand up, battered, but proud. Never forget the 2,977 people who lost their lives on that day and the innumerable people who have given their lives in defense of freedom.....
Saturday, September 3, 2011
What Makes a Family?
Family! What a word! To everyone it means something different. For some, it conjures up warm images of home and hearth and holidays. For others is brings up sad or painful or angry feelings. But, really, what is a real family? What makes up a true family? What does family really mean?
A little background on me and MY family. I am southern with a capital S.... Southern. We are close in the way that "family" is supposed to be. We may have our ups and downs but we're always there in a bind. I have 5 brothers, 4 older and 1 younger, and one sister who is the LOVE of my LIFE! I don't have regular communication with most of my siblings, as we did not grow up together, but I do love them and would be there for them if I could help in anyway. My younger brother and my sister and I grew up together. I'm a stupidly proud big sister to both my younger siblings.... They are both amazing humans I am glad to know! I talk to them both on a regular basis and love them more than words. I am SO proud of who they are and what they have accomplished. I would give them the shirt off my back, though it would be too big for both of them (they're of the skinny people.) I have 4 aunts, 2 uncles, 4 immediate cousins and TONS of extended family!! They are from all walks of life. I am particularly close to my mothers sister. She and I have a special bond that goes WAY beyond aunt and niece and approaches something closer to friend, confidante and soul mate. While a long way apart in the physical sense, I am very close to my family!
My husbands family is very different. They seem destined to hurt each other as much as possible until someone flinches and moves away and stops talking to the other part. It's horrible. I have never experienced this in my own life so I did not believe him until I experienced it for myself. We lived with my in laws for 6 months. We moved clear across the country because, due to a health scare that my husbands father went though, my husband felt that if he did not take the chance to try one more time to repair his relationship with his family, that it would be something he would regret when he goes to meet his maker (who he swears is a gaming god so his analogy was more like when he runs out of quarters to continue his game, etc...) Now, I get it. I see what he was talking about. I experienced the venom and negativity. I was shocked. I was miserable. I stopped believing in myself or in our ability to accomplish anything worth anything. Thank God, we were able to extricate ourselves from this situation. Thank God, we had each other. My heart bleeds for him. No one should have to feel the way he has been made to feel. When he and I first got together, I remember asking him, in a get to know you sorta way, if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go. His response broke my heart. "I was told that I would never accomplish anything so it was foolish to dream." I could not believe that a parent would ever say that to their child. My soul hurt for that little boy who should have been told to reach for the stars and that anything is possible! Sadly, I get it now. I now know why he didn't believe in himself for so long.
How could my family and his family be SO different? After thinking about this for a long time, I mean we've been married for 5 1/2 years and together for 7, I realised something I'd forgotten. Family to me isn't just the people I'm related to through blood. My family are the people I know would help me out in a pinch as I would do for them. My family consists of people from all walks of life who are spread throughout the world. My family consists of blood relatives, friends and people I haven't spoken to in years. My family is wide spread and vast. My family is all ages, races, nationalities, sexual preferences, heights, weights and socio-economic backgrounds. I could not imagine my life without any of them. These are people that I know would be there for me and I for them no matter what. My family are the people who encourage me to live up to my potential or support my latest "I want to be this when I grow up." I am truly blessed in my family. I want to take this last moment to thank them all. They have stood by me when I have been down and out. They have listened, cried, laughed, hugged and supported me and my husband through some truly trying times in the last few years. I have been a less than pleasant person to deal with at times. I would not have made it without my family. So, as one truly humbled, thank you.....
A little background on me and MY family. I am southern with a capital S.... Southern. We are close in the way that "family" is supposed to be. We may have our ups and downs but we're always there in a bind. I have 5 brothers, 4 older and 1 younger, and one sister who is the LOVE of my LIFE! I don't have regular communication with most of my siblings, as we did not grow up together, but I do love them and would be there for them if I could help in anyway. My younger brother and my sister and I grew up together. I'm a stupidly proud big sister to both my younger siblings.... They are both amazing humans I am glad to know! I talk to them both on a regular basis and love them more than words. I am SO proud of who they are and what they have accomplished. I would give them the shirt off my back, though it would be too big for both of them (they're of the skinny people.) I have 4 aunts, 2 uncles, 4 immediate cousins and TONS of extended family!! They are from all walks of life. I am particularly close to my mothers sister. She and I have a special bond that goes WAY beyond aunt and niece and approaches something closer to friend, confidante and soul mate. While a long way apart in the physical sense, I am very close to my family!
My husbands family is very different. They seem destined to hurt each other as much as possible until someone flinches and moves away and stops talking to the other part. It's horrible. I have never experienced this in my own life so I did not believe him until I experienced it for myself. We lived with my in laws for 6 months. We moved clear across the country because, due to a health scare that my husbands father went though, my husband felt that if he did not take the chance to try one more time to repair his relationship with his family, that it would be something he would regret when he goes to meet his maker (who he swears is a gaming god so his analogy was more like when he runs out of quarters to continue his game, etc...) Now, I get it. I see what he was talking about. I experienced the venom and negativity. I was shocked. I was miserable. I stopped believing in myself or in our ability to accomplish anything worth anything. Thank God, we were able to extricate ourselves from this situation. Thank God, we had each other. My heart bleeds for him. No one should have to feel the way he has been made to feel. When he and I first got together, I remember asking him, in a get to know you sorta way, if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go. His response broke my heart. "I was told that I would never accomplish anything so it was foolish to dream." I could not believe that a parent would ever say that to their child. My soul hurt for that little boy who should have been told to reach for the stars and that anything is possible! Sadly, I get it now. I now know why he didn't believe in himself for so long.
How could my family and his family be SO different? After thinking about this for a long time, I mean we've been married for 5 1/2 years and together for 7, I realised something I'd forgotten. Family to me isn't just the people I'm related to through blood. My family are the people I know would help me out in a pinch as I would do for them. My family consists of people from all walks of life who are spread throughout the world. My family consists of blood relatives, friends and people I haven't spoken to in years. My family is wide spread and vast. My family is all ages, races, nationalities, sexual preferences, heights, weights and socio-economic backgrounds. I could not imagine my life without any of them. These are people that I know would be there for me and I for them no matter what. My family are the people who encourage me to live up to my potential or support my latest "I want to be this when I grow up." I am truly blessed in my family. I want to take this last moment to thank them all. They have stood by me when I have been down and out. They have listened, cried, laughed, hugged and supported me and my husband through some truly trying times in the last few years. I have been a less than pleasant person to deal with at times. I would not have made it without my family. So, as one truly humbled, thank you.....
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
I Am a Foodie... or Why I HATE Cleaning the Kitchen
So, I am coming out. This will not be a shock to anyone who has known me for more than 5 minutes, but I am a foodie. It's true. I can't hide it. I love food and not just because I love to eat. These are actually very different things. Loving to eat is scarfing down food without appreciating the flavours or the smells or the colors or the textures. Loving to eat is an action. Loving food is a lifestyle! There are many many MANY foodies out there. Some have made it their profession (just watch one minute of Food Network or the Cooking Channel,) some have become writers or bloggers about food (for a good one, check out my friend's blog http://www.venturafoodhappenings.com/), some go out to any restaurant they can get into just to try something new and some experiment in their own kitchens, taking inspiration from everything they've read and tried. My husband and I fall into the latter category. We love to cook!
We watch, read, eat and produce food. This has not been kind to our health so much, which we are working on and are making progress, but that's another blog for another day, and has most definitely NOT been kind to any kitchen in which we happen to cook. I tend to be the "neat" one and that's not saying much when we cook. I am getting better. I am making a conscious effort to improve my kitchen etiquette. The same cannot be said of my husband.
Now, let me just say, the man can COOK!!! He loves it! He relishes any opportunity to try something new! And it's rough for me, being married to a man who loves to cook and loves to bake... oh yeah, a real hardship.... That having been said, I usually get to clean up after these amazing cooking sessions. I don't mind cleaning up usually. However, sometimes the destruction is awesome in the true sense of the word... as in you stare in awe at the colossal mess. And just HOW does he manage to get food UNDER the lip of the counter??? To be fair, I have had my moments. I did manage to get spaghetti sauce on the ceiling once (there was a horrifying splatter-when-I-dropped-the-pan-because-it-was-hot thing going on when this happened) and we do not have a dishwasher (other than me) and I do get lazy sometimes and leave the dishes to pile up. So on those occasions, I have no one but myself to blame.
What might have started this whole thought process today, you might be asking. Well, for the last 2 hours, I have been scrubbing and dusting and cleaning up. I have found food in places I didn't know it was possible to get food particles! I have learned that Seventh Generation makes a multi-surface cleaner that, when splashed in one's eye, does not sting. I have tripped, more than once, over both dogs who think mom is putting "nummies" on the floor for them to consume. I have washed a small mountain of dishes and pans. I have had to start a load of laundry as all of my cleaning cloths are dirty. AND I have had the realisation that next time my husband cooks, HE gets to clean up! Maybe he will become more aware of where he is scattering his foodie mess. I'm not holding my breath, mind you.
We will still cook. We will still make a mess. I will still expect flour on the refrigerator door handle. I will still expect "gunk" on the oven door. I will even expect a mound of dishes. But maybe, I can get some help with the clean up. Any volunteers??? We'll feed you!
We watch, read, eat and produce food. This has not been kind to our health so much, which we are working on and are making progress, but that's another blog for another day, and has most definitely NOT been kind to any kitchen in which we happen to cook. I tend to be the "neat" one and that's not saying much when we cook. I am getting better. I am making a conscious effort to improve my kitchen etiquette. The same cannot be said of my husband.
Now, let me just say, the man can COOK!!! He loves it! He relishes any opportunity to try something new! And it's rough for me, being married to a man who loves to cook and loves to bake... oh yeah, a real hardship.... That having been said, I usually get to clean up after these amazing cooking sessions. I don't mind cleaning up usually. However, sometimes the destruction is awesome in the true sense of the word... as in you stare in awe at the colossal mess. And just HOW does he manage to get food UNDER the lip of the counter??? To be fair, I have had my moments. I did manage to get spaghetti sauce on the ceiling once (there was a horrifying splatter-when-I-dropped-the-pan-because-it-was-hot thing going on when this happened) and we do not have a dishwasher (other than me) and I do get lazy sometimes and leave the dishes to pile up. So on those occasions, I have no one but myself to blame.
What might have started this whole thought process today, you might be asking. Well, for the last 2 hours, I have been scrubbing and dusting and cleaning up. I have found food in places I didn't know it was possible to get food particles! I have learned that Seventh Generation makes a multi-surface cleaner that, when splashed in one's eye, does not sting. I have tripped, more than once, over both dogs who think mom is putting "nummies" on the floor for them to consume. I have washed a small mountain of dishes and pans. I have had to start a load of laundry as all of my cleaning cloths are dirty. AND I have had the realisation that next time my husband cooks, HE gets to clean up! Maybe he will become more aware of where he is scattering his foodie mess. I'm not holding my breath, mind you.
We will still cook. We will still make a mess. I will still expect flour on the refrigerator door handle. I will still expect "gunk" on the oven door. I will even expect a mound of dishes. But maybe, I can get some help with the clean up. Any volunteers??? We'll feed you!
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Fall?
So I see them everywhere... new backpacks, shiny shoes, new clothes, same attitude but with a veneer of excitement. I see the same ads offering the supplies we all think we needed and then never used or used only a quarter of what we actually bought. It MUST be fall and time to go back to school. I have many friends who started back to school, both as students and as teachers, recently and I am finding myself a bit jealous. They have a purpose. They have an aim. They have a daily plan. I have none of the above.
I feel so lost right now. I'm missing the cool air, the crisp breeze, the end of the summer cycle. I am hot, bored, cranky and cannot find a purpose for being. Now I don't mean this as a depression "I'm giving up" note but more as a way to get it out of my head so I can make room for new ideas and for hope.
Fall has ALWAYS been my favorite season. I love the change from summer to fall. I love the smells and sounds and sights. I love the leaves falling all around me and the sound underfoot when they crackle. I love the smells of the rotting leaves and the woodstoves and fireplaces being lit for the first time in several months. I love the sight of shiny apples and really really fresh cider. I love having to go find my warmer blankets. I love the excuse to curl up with a good book or in front of a good movie on TV (or a REALLY bad movie that's so bad it becomes an indulgence movie,) I also love the excuse to make mulled wine or to have that really nice single malt scotch to "warm me up". I love the ritual of Halloween. Seeing the kids in their costumes makes me smile and wish I were still young enough to have the excuse to dress up every year. My birthday is on November 1. It's always cooler and almost coat weather depending on where I am at the time. Another year older and my favorite season, it's always been a winning combination for me.
This year, I'm in Southern California. Today and tomorrow are supposed to peak around 110 degrees. Kids are back in school. I see them on the sidewalks walking to and from school. New backpacks, new shoes, new clothes, same look of anticipation and resignation. They carry water bottles and sweat as they walk. My car doesn't have AC so when I go to pick my husband up from work at 4:30, I sweat all the way there and all the way home. It IS a dry heat but, really, HOT is HOT!!! I think I have reverse seasonal depression or SAD. I admit it..... I am officially a hot weather weenie.... and I embrace that title!
So, I will leave Panera, go home, crank the swamp cooler (another thing I had to get used to and learn about) to high and hide indoors. Oh yeah, and I'll look up some footage of fall.... and smile!
I feel so lost right now. I'm missing the cool air, the crisp breeze, the end of the summer cycle. I am hot, bored, cranky and cannot find a purpose for being. Now I don't mean this as a depression "I'm giving up" note but more as a way to get it out of my head so I can make room for new ideas and for hope.
Fall has ALWAYS been my favorite season. I love the change from summer to fall. I love the smells and sounds and sights. I love the leaves falling all around me and the sound underfoot when they crackle. I love the smells of the rotting leaves and the woodstoves and fireplaces being lit for the first time in several months. I love the sight of shiny apples and really really fresh cider. I love having to go find my warmer blankets. I love the excuse to curl up with a good book or in front of a good movie on TV (or a REALLY bad movie that's so bad it becomes an indulgence movie,) I also love the excuse to make mulled wine or to have that really nice single malt scotch to "warm me up". I love the ritual of Halloween. Seeing the kids in their costumes makes me smile and wish I were still young enough to have the excuse to dress up every year. My birthday is on November 1. It's always cooler and almost coat weather depending on where I am at the time. Another year older and my favorite season, it's always been a winning combination for me.
This year, I'm in Southern California. Today and tomorrow are supposed to peak around 110 degrees. Kids are back in school. I see them on the sidewalks walking to and from school. New backpacks, new shoes, new clothes, same look of anticipation and resignation. They carry water bottles and sweat as they walk. My car doesn't have AC so when I go to pick my husband up from work at 4:30, I sweat all the way there and all the way home. It IS a dry heat but, really, HOT is HOT!!! I think I have reverse seasonal depression or SAD. I admit it..... I am officially a hot weather weenie.... and I embrace that title!
So, I will leave Panera, go home, crank the swamp cooler (another thing I had to get used to and learn about) to high and hide indoors. Oh yeah, and I'll look up some footage of fall.... and smile!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
On Being Grateful....
This subject seems to be calling out to me recently. I saw a news report this morning on the Today show (a whole other blog on how this show runs my family and has for 3 generations now) and was reminded, yet again, of the fragility of life. The story? A cop, back from yet another tour of duty in Iraq, goes into a McDonalds for his much deserved food break. He encounters a 10 yr old little boy who asks for $.10 to buy a cookie. The cop whips out his wallet, without a second thought, and buys the kid the cookies. He asks him what he wants to be when he grows up and tells the kid to work hard and he can achieve anything. The cop grabs his food and leaves the McDonalds to get back in his car and go about his business. 3 minutes later, a troubled young man pulls up next to him in traffic, pulls out a shotgun and shoots the officer who dies. 3 minutes after he gave of his heart and pocket to make the day of a young boy he had never met and would, most likely, never see again.
To me, this is a sad reminder of how short life can be and how senseless tragedy can be. BUT, it is also a reminder of the kindness and generosity of people. How one moment can change a life. How one act of kindness can stick with a person. The news report also interviewed the young boy who was the recipient of the cookies. He seemed confused by the suddenness of the tragedy. He also was affected by the cop's generosity and warm heart. I turned to my husband and said "Ten to one that kid becomes a cop." I wouldn't be surprised if this kid became a cop or a lawyer. Of course, I know I'm probably just being idealistic again but I can't help it.
To me, this just reminds me to cherish the moments with loved ones even more: Hug my husband more, call my family more, call my friends more, love on my animals more. Appreciate the kindness of strangers. Stop to look at the sunset. Pause to just breathe. Enjoy the taste of food. Celebrate the little victories. Mourn the losses. Dance to the radio. Sing along! Don't be afraid to be goofy. Don't be afraid!
I have always hoped that, when I go, people will remember me as someone who made a difference when she could. Maybe part of that is also appreciating what you have and reminding others to appreciate what they have as well.
So, on that note, I offer this up to the universe:
Today, I open my heart and mind up to the powers that be without and within. I say thank you for everything I have in my life and thank you for the hardships, as we learn from them and become better people for it. I will try to be more patient, understanding, aware and generous both with my time and my thoughts. I will try to appreciate this time I have and not be so hard on myself. I will try to love myself, flaws and all. Please help me to reach out to others to help them too. Help me to have patience with myself and others. Your humble servant.....
To me, this is a sad reminder of how short life can be and how senseless tragedy can be. BUT, it is also a reminder of the kindness and generosity of people. How one moment can change a life. How one act of kindness can stick with a person. The news report also interviewed the young boy who was the recipient of the cookies. He seemed confused by the suddenness of the tragedy. He also was affected by the cop's generosity and warm heart. I turned to my husband and said "Ten to one that kid becomes a cop." I wouldn't be surprised if this kid became a cop or a lawyer. Of course, I know I'm probably just being idealistic again but I can't help it.
To me, this just reminds me to cherish the moments with loved ones even more: Hug my husband more, call my family more, call my friends more, love on my animals more. Appreciate the kindness of strangers. Stop to look at the sunset. Pause to just breathe. Enjoy the taste of food. Celebrate the little victories. Mourn the losses. Dance to the radio. Sing along! Don't be afraid to be goofy. Don't be afraid!
I have always hoped that, when I go, people will remember me as someone who made a difference when she could. Maybe part of that is also appreciating what you have and reminding others to appreciate what they have as well.
So, on that note, I offer this up to the universe:
Today, I open my heart and mind up to the powers that be without and within. I say thank you for everything I have in my life and thank you for the hardships, as we learn from them and become better people for it. I will try to be more patient, understanding, aware and generous both with my time and my thoughts. I will try to appreciate this time I have and not be so hard on myself. I will try to love myself, flaws and all. Please help me to reach out to others to help them too. Help me to have patience with myself and others. Your humble servant.....
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Desperate Housewife....
Now I'm not talking about the TV show... I'm talking about ME!! As I've previously stated, I'm unemployed right now. I have a LOT of time to hang out at the house and think about what I want to do with my life. I have been trying to stay busy what with job searching and all.... but there are only so many times you can search a job site to see that there's nothing available where you live, at least not for you. As such, I have begun to become a housewife and boy do I admire those housewives out there!!!
I hate doing dishes. I have vowed, in the past, to NEVER be without a dishwasher again... oops. I live in a very small 1 bedroom bungalow style duplex. I love it! It's great! We have all the space we need. There's a small yard for the dogs and it's easy to clean. No dishwasher, however. I have done more dishes in the last couple of months than I have ever done!! I still hate them but I'm better about actually doing them, rather than letting them pile up. I also have been cooking a lot more. I love to cook and I always have but now I'm actually trying new things and revisiting some old favorites. Today, I'm making peach cobbler. I have a ton of dishes to do right now but I decided to make cobbler instead. I forgot how much fun it is to make it all from scratch. My house smells warm and buttery and rich. My dogs are snoring on the sofa and the cat is, most likely, under the bed. My husband and I have recently joined a group to receive fresh organic produce from local farmers once a week. This has also challenged me as a home cook. Last week we got beautiful, amazing veggies. We grilled the zucchini and the corn and I made fresh salsa. The peaches for today's cobbler were also from our box. The lettuce went the first day. I love it!
I am also enjoying the being a wife part of this whole odyssey. I have to get up with my hubby in the mornings and drive him to work. I come home and putter around the house (after I look for work,) and then go pick him up at the end of his work day. We get to eat a late lunch together and then hang out. We usually cook dinner together and then either go our separate ways or watch a movie. It's nice to spend time with my sweetie. I'm wondering when I'll start climbing the walls.... I am content for the moment.
I will enjoy this contentment for a moment and then it will pass. I will go clean the bedroom, gather the laundry and, yes, even do the dishes.....
I hate doing dishes. I have vowed, in the past, to NEVER be without a dishwasher again... oops. I live in a very small 1 bedroom bungalow style duplex. I love it! It's great! We have all the space we need. There's a small yard for the dogs and it's easy to clean. No dishwasher, however. I have done more dishes in the last couple of months than I have ever done!! I still hate them but I'm better about actually doing them, rather than letting them pile up. I also have been cooking a lot more. I love to cook and I always have but now I'm actually trying new things and revisiting some old favorites. Today, I'm making peach cobbler. I have a ton of dishes to do right now but I decided to make cobbler instead. I forgot how much fun it is to make it all from scratch. My house smells warm and buttery and rich. My dogs are snoring on the sofa and the cat is, most likely, under the bed. My husband and I have recently joined a group to receive fresh organic produce from local farmers once a week. This has also challenged me as a home cook. Last week we got beautiful, amazing veggies. We grilled the zucchini and the corn and I made fresh salsa. The peaches for today's cobbler were also from our box. The lettuce went the first day. I love it!
I am also enjoying the being a wife part of this whole odyssey. I have to get up with my hubby in the mornings and drive him to work. I come home and putter around the house (after I look for work,) and then go pick him up at the end of his work day. We get to eat a late lunch together and then hang out. We usually cook dinner together and then either go our separate ways or watch a movie. It's nice to spend time with my sweetie. I'm wondering when I'll start climbing the walls.... I am content for the moment.
I will enjoy this contentment for a moment and then it will pass. I will go clean the bedroom, gather the laundry and, yes, even do the dishes.....
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The "F" word...
No, not THAT "F" word.... I'm talking about failure. Let's talk about it. It's a word that crosses my mind far too often for my liking, and yet, I can't seem to stop it. I can think of famous quotes and pithy sayings that would make for a funnier blog but I can't seem to muster the wit today. I feel like a failure. That is how that word most often comes up for me. I know many people would probably want to smack me for even having that thought but since no one actually reads this blog (I'm guessing), then I think I'll remain smack free. I know my husband would just get angry if I were to tell him how I feel. And while I appreciate his leaping to my defense, since he's leaping against me as well, it hurts and makes me feel worse... more like I've failed him too. Now, I'm smarter than the average bear and I know that I'm being silly and that I'm failing at giving myself a break, but there again.... fail. So this will be a short entry as it is so negative... I hate being negative!! It is SO not like me! I guess I'm hoping that if I type all this out and read through it that I will realise how silly it all sounds. However, how it sounds and how it feels are two entirely different things. If only we could control our feelings with logic... but I guess they wouldn' be true feelings then, right? Yeah.... so after reading this over again, I guess the idea of going back to school for Psychology is a good one, huh? I'm gonna find a way to make it happen! I have to.... Onward!
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Saturday Morning musings...
I'm so used to typing on my laptop in a remote location from home. This morning I decided that home would be the place to spew my random thoughts. It's been hot, which I hate. I am from the south originaly and I'm a child of the AC world. I HATE the heat! There's no other way around it. If you get too cold you can put more clothes on, if you're hot, there's only so much you can take off, especially in public!! And trust me, for me, even less that I can take off in public. I know what I can get away with on my body and more is better clothing wise. I know many people who LOVE the heat. The hotter it gets outside, the happier they are! I think they're crazy....
I moved to Southern California about 8 months ago from Vermont. I miss Vermont. I am learning to love things about where I am now. I have made some really amazing friends and that makes anything bearable. I have had an interesting 8 months. I have laughed a lot, cried even more and spent the rest of the time trying to figure out who I am now and how I got here. The one constant that I never have questions about is my husband. I am a blessed woman. As long as we're together, I can handle anything. I never really understood what movies and books and the like meant when talking about a soul mate or finding your match. I get it now. So for him, I moved to the desert. I mean brown, cactus, palmtrees, sand..... DESERT! It's a landscape like I have never known other than a week visit to Arizonia when I was 16 and another trip to Las Vegas in 2007. I never thought I'd live in it! I am learning. It does have moments that take my breath away. We are in the high desert surrounded by even higher mountains. They look huge and old and bare... like wads of crumpled tissue paper that a larger being just used and threw down. The many wrinkles and folds really do make a beautiful vision from the distance. I miss grass, though, and trees and water and cold weather....
So, to sum up, it's Saturday morning, I miss cold weather and air conditioning, I have the best husband in the world and I have made wonderful friends.... I really shouldn't complain..... I have the best end of the deal out of those things! Carry on... nothing to read here....
I moved to Southern California about 8 months ago from Vermont. I miss Vermont. I am learning to love things about where I am now. I have made some really amazing friends and that makes anything bearable. I have had an interesting 8 months. I have laughed a lot, cried even more and spent the rest of the time trying to figure out who I am now and how I got here. The one constant that I never have questions about is my husband. I am a blessed woman. As long as we're together, I can handle anything. I never really understood what movies and books and the like meant when talking about a soul mate or finding your match. I get it now. So for him, I moved to the desert. I mean brown, cactus, palmtrees, sand..... DESERT! It's a landscape like I have never known other than a week visit to Arizonia when I was 16 and another trip to Las Vegas in 2007. I never thought I'd live in it! I am learning. It does have moments that take my breath away. We are in the high desert surrounded by even higher mountains. They look huge and old and bare... like wads of crumpled tissue paper that a larger being just used and threw down. The many wrinkles and folds really do make a beautiful vision from the distance. I miss grass, though, and trees and water and cold weather....
So, to sum up, it's Saturday morning, I miss cold weather and air conditioning, I have the best husband in the world and I have made wonderful friends.... I really shouldn't complain..... I have the best end of the deal out of those things! Carry on... nothing to read here....
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
My Movie Habit
I love movies. Anyone who's known me for longer than 5 minutes realises that I have more movie trivia in my head than the average humanoid, movie watcher. I love the behind the scenes stuff. I love the outtakes. I love the making of featurettes. I'm the phone a friend that people call when they have a movie trivia question or a "that guy who played that other guy in that movie with the dog and the sunset...".
I have long tried to figure out why I love movies so much. Is it the escape they provide? Is it the sitting in the theatre and watching something so big that it takes over your whole field of vision? Is it the no-commercials aspect? Is it the envy of someone who used to act and doesn't get to do it anymore? I think it's all of the above to some degree. I recently saw Captain America. I did not see it in 3D or in IMAX or anything else. I saw a regular showing of the movie. And it was WONDERFUL! This is not an Oscar winning movie but it was an exciting 2 hour escape from the sun, the day, the job search, the dishes in the sink. I truly loved it! Before that I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2. Now this one I saw with all the bell and whistles... 3D and IMAX. I loved every frame. It doesn't have to do with the bells and whistles. It has to do with the whole experience of movie watching and making. It's wondering what it was like to make the movie. How did they make that editing choice? How did the composer know that THAT was the music to drive that moment home? What was it like to film that in front of a green screen? Did they really like each other that much? How long did the costume fittings take? What is a gaffer? How does the screenwriter really know what makes good dialogue?
My husband would roll his eyes and tell me that I think too much. And maybe I do... but that's who I am. I just know that I love movies. I love getting lost in another world for a couple of hours and always feel a bit let down when I re-emerge into the real world. A good movie is like a drug. The first time you see it, you're riding high for hours. Then you see it again in the theatre or on DVD and try, desperately, to recapture the original high of the movie. Sometimes it gets even better when you discover things on the second viewing that you missed the first time. Usually it just settles into a mellow happiness and eventually loses it's attractiveness and potency. The nice thing about movies vs. drugs, there's always a new one coming out and it can't kill you, in theory. So movies will remain my fix of choice. I will remain an unabashed movie-a-holic. Maybe I'll go see Thor today by myself before I go pick up the hubby from work.... What he doesn't know can't hurt me, right? Does this count as hiding my habit? I wonder....
I have long tried to figure out why I love movies so much. Is it the escape they provide? Is it the sitting in the theatre and watching something so big that it takes over your whole field of vision? Is it the no-commercials aspect? Is it the envy of someone who used to act and doesn't get to do it anymore? I think it's all of the above to some degree. I recently saw Captain America. I did not see it in 3D or in IMAX or anything else. I saw a regular showing of the movie. And it was WONDERFUL! This is not an Oscar winning movie but it was an exciting 2 hour escape from the sun, the day, the job search, the dishes in the sink. I truly loved it! Before that I saw Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2. Now this one I saw with all the bell and whistles... 3D and IMAX. I loved every frame. It doesn't have to do with the bells and whistles. It has to do with the whole experience of movie watching and making. It's wondering what it was like to make the movie. How did they make that editing choice? How did the composer know that THAT was the music to drive that moment home? What was it like to film that in front of a green screen? Did they really like each other that much? How long did the costume fittings take? What is a gaffer? How does the screenwriter really know what makes good dialogue?
My husband would roll his eyes and tell me that I think too much. And maybe I do... but that's who I am. I just know that I love movies. I love getting lost in another world for a couple of hours and always feel a bit let down when I re-emerge into the real world. A good movie is like a drug. The first time you see it, you're riding high for hours. Then you see it again in the theatre or on DVD and try, desperately, to recapture the original high of the movie. Sometimes it gets even better when you discover things on the second viewing that you missed the first time. Usually it just settles into a mellow happiness and eventually loses it's attractiveness and potency. The nice thing about movies vs. drugs, there's always a new one coming out and it can't kill you, in theory. So movies will remain my fix of choice. I will remain an unabashed movie-a-holic. Maybe I'll go see Thor today by myself before I go pick up the hubby from work.... What he doesn't know can't hurt me, right? Does this count as hiding my habit? I wonder....
Monday, July 25, 2011
Another Monday, Another Show....
It's Monday morning and I'm back. I had an awesome weekend of cleaning and cooking and being lazy after it was all done! I had an amazing Saturday of cooking and eating and accomplishing things. I really love that feeling. And now, I will make you hungry...
My hubby loves to cook. Even more than that, he loves when people enjoy his cooking. When he wants to feel really good, he invites others over for food in the hopes of making something good enough to have them wanting more. He loves to be creative and loves it even more when his creativity is appreciated. I think he love it the most when he and I cook together and he can then brag on me as well. I so love this man!! Anyway, he decided that we needed to make Eggs Benedict, the real way. He was in charge of the eggs and it was up to me to make the hollandaise.... from scratch. Now, not much goes into this yummy, rich sauce. It's really just egg yolks, lemon, butter and a dash of red pepper. The whisking involved is insane!!!! So 20 minutes later, arm sore and tired, we had absolutely amazing hollandaise!! After making it from scratch, I will never be satisfied with the "mock" version again. I have spoiled myself.... AND my hubby and his brother!
So that was breakfast.... on to dinner! My hubby requested a salmon dish that I haven't made since our second wedding anniversary. It's an Asian inspired honey/soy/ginger glazed salmon. Again with the sauce! I served this with fresh green beans that I sauteed with shallots, garlic and a little olive oil... yum! My brother in law has now decided that he needs to come over every weekend for breakfast and stay through to dinner.... we may have created our own problem here! Lol...
It was a nice weekend. Saturday was our get things done and cook day. Sunday was the hang out in your PJ's all day and do nothing day. I loved it because I spent it with my hubby. I am a very lucky woman. 5 years married and even more in love with this crazy man than ever before. I keep expecting the love to mellow out, not diminish but just mellow, and it never does. It gets brighter and stronger. I was not prepared for this kind of love. I knew I would never marry someone I wasn't sure I was in love with but I never expected this all consuming, burning, complete love. Apparently, it shows... according to my friends. I am thankful everyday that I happened upon this man and that I was given the chance to get to know him and, ultimately, share my life with him. And the best part? I know he feels the same way... Isn't that nice?
My hubby loves to cook. Even more than that, he loves when people enjoy his cooking. When he wants to feel really good, he invites others over for food in the hopes of making something good enough to have them wanting more. He loves to be creative and loves it even more when his creativity is appreciated. I think he love it the most when he and I cook together and he can then brag on me as well. I so love this man!! Anyway, he decided that we needed to make Eggs Benedict, the real way. He was in charge of the eggs and it was up to me to make the hollandaise.... from scratch. Now, not much goes into this yummy, rich sauce. It's really just egg yolks, lemon, butter and a dash of red pepper. The whisking involved is insane!!!! So 20 minutes later, arm sore and tired, we had absolutely amazing hollandaise!! After making it from scratch, I will never be satisfied with the "mock" version again. I have spoiled myself.... AND my hubby and his brother!
So that was breakfast.... on to dinner! My hubby requested a salmon dish that I haven't made since our second wedding anniversary. It's an Asian inspired honey/soy/ginger glazed salmon. Again with the sauce! I served this with fresh green beans that I sauteed with shallots, garlic and a little olive oil... yum! My brother in law has now decided that he needs to come over every weekend for breakfast and stay through to dinner.... we may have created our own problem here! Lol...
It was a nice weekend. Saturday was our get things done and cook day. Sunday was the hang out in your PJ's all day and do nothing day. I loved it because I spent it with my hubby. I am a very lucky woman. 5 years married and even more in love with this crazy man than ever before. I keep expecting the love to mellow out, not diminish but just mellow, and it never does. It gets brighter and stronger. I was not prepared for this kind of love. I knew I would never marry someone I wasn't sure I was in love with but I never expected this all consuming, burning, complete love. Apparently, it shows... according to my friends. I am thankful everyday that I happened upon this man and that I was given the chance to get to know him and, ultimately, share my life with him. And the best part? I know he feels the same way... Isn't that nice?
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Job hunting sucks!
So here I am, back at that crossroads of not having a job and trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. Now, one would assume that at 36 I would have at least SOME idea of what I wanted to accomplish with my life. Sadly, nope.... no clue. I think all I have figured out at this point is what I DON'T want to be when I grow up. I know that I don't want to be president, an astronaut, an opera singer, a commissioned sales associate or a teacher. There are many more to add to that list but those were the first to come to mind. Things I have thought about doing: Travel agent (sadly outdated with the convenience of Travelocity, Kayak, etc...), probation officer, social worker, psychologist, entrepreneur, and housewife (not an option as I would go crazy and have a breakdown). I have thought about going back to school which scares me more than words have the power to express. At this point, I think the last is the best idea. So I've been researching schools.
I have such a different perspective this time. I remember being 18 and thinking about college and where I wanted to go, what I wanted to major in and where I saw myself in 5 or 10 years. Sitting here almost 20 years later, considering going back to school to finish what I started, I feel scared, almost more so than before. I had such expectations from myself and from life. It was supposed to go according to plan. That did not happen. I never did graduate. I am no longer pursuing the field that I trained in for roughly 15 years. I know that leaving that field was the right choice for me but how much time wasted?? Of course there are those that say it wasn't wasted. And I do believe that every experience we have helps to create the people we are today so I can't say I regret anything. Wow.... tangent much?? Anyway, school this time scares me but I think I can actually do it this time. I'm tired of being overlooked because I don't have a degree. I think I was convinced that I could prove to the world that you didn't need a degree when you have the smarts, personality and drive. I think I may have been wrong about that....
So, here I go. As soon as I can get my FASFA filled out and see if I qualify for government help, I'll be going back to school to major in psychology. After all, with my life, I've already earned at least an advanced degree in psychology... now to get my paper proving it!!
I have such a different perspective this time. I remember being 18 and thinking about college and where I wanted to go, what I wanted to major in and where I saw myself in 5 or 10 years. Sitting here almost 20 years later, considering going back to school to finish what I started, I feel scared, almost more so than before. I had such expectations from myself and from life. It was supposed to go according to plan. That did not happen. I never did graduate. I am no longer pursuing the field that I trained in for roughly 15 years. I know that leaving that field was the right choice for me but how much time wasted?? Of course there are those that say it wasn't wasted. And I do believe that every experience we have helps to create the people we are today so I can't say I regret anything. Wow.... tangent much?? Anyway, school this time scares me but I think I can actually do it this time. I'm tired of being overlooked because I don't have a degree. I think I was convinced that I could prove to the world that you didn't need a degree when you have the smarts, personality and drive. I think I may have been wrong about that....
So, here I go. As soon as I can get my FASFA filled out and see if I qualify for government help, I'll be going back to school to major in psychology. After all, with my life, I've already earned at least an advanced degree in psychology... now to get my paper proving it!!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Panera 2: Electric Bugaloo
So today I sit at the "other" Panera and watch a different group of humanity pass me by. I would label this Panera as the single persons Panera. Most of the folks who come in here are alone and carrying technology, like me. Maybe this is the new job search locale for the modern age. There is technology all around me. I sit here with my laptop, iPhone and headphones, listening to Pandora's radio station picked just for me that I can customise with the click of a button, looking for jobs and chatting with my awesome little bro. At the next table over sits a man with his laptop, a bluetooth, a cell phone and an iPad. There is a couple here as well: He's on his iPhone and she's talking on her BlackBerry. I can only assume they're not talking to each other. I did think there was one person who shunned technology. She came in with a travel mug, a big slouchy handbag and, get this, a PINK leather organizer. This look compliments her red polka-dot dress and nude patent leather heels as a very put together throwback from about 10 years ago. Then it happened: she pulled out the laptop and the cell phone and proceeded to get working on both.
What did we do before this age of instant gratification through technology? I remember having to talk to someone. How about an answering machine?? Who has one of those anymore? Hell, who has a home phone anymore? I'm living in the southern California desert, with a Vermont cell phone as my main form of communication. My husband finally got a new cell phone, still with a Vermont number, that he can use to text.... finally! And here I was, fighting the whole texting movement as recently as a year ago!! Now, where would I be without my iPhone and unlimited texting plan? I hate how impersonal the world has become while being totally addicted to the things that have taken away interpersonal communication. I miss sitting around and talking to someone. I miss the anticipation of checking my answering machine to see if anyone called (I know, I need a life). I'm beginning to feel about email the way I used to feel about the junk mail I got at home in my mailbox. I'm waiting for the government to figure out a way to create a "Do Not Email" list for spammers. Sigh.....
I know I went on a bit of a rant today but it seemed the thing to do. I feel better now that I've shared with my best listener.... my laptop. Now I need to go check my iPhone and see if anyone texted me....
What did we do before this age of instant gratification through technology? I remember having to talk to someone. How about an answering machine?? Who has one of those anymore? Hell, who has a home phone anymore? I'm living in the southern California desert, with a Vermont cell phone as my main form of communication. My husband finally got a new cell phone, still with a Vermont number, that he can use to text.... finally! And here I was, fighting the whole texting movement as recently as a year ago!! Now, where would I be without my iPhone and unlimited texting plan? I hate how impersonal the world has become while being totally addicted to the things that have taken away interpersonal communication. I miss sitting around and talking to someone. I miss the anticipation of checking my answering machine to see if anyone called (I know, I need a life). I'm beginning to feel about email the way I used to feel about the junk mail I got at home in my mailbox. I'm waiting for the government to figure out a way to create a "Do Not Email" list for spammers. Sigh.....
I know I went on a bit of a rant today but it seemed the thing to do. I feel better now that I've shared with my best listener.... my laptop. Now I need to go check my iPhone and see if anyone texted me....
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Second verse, same as the first....
Did you know the old men who meet for coffee and discuss politics have gone "high brow"?
I am a recently unemployed woman with too much time on my hands and not enough to occupy them. As such, I have taken to sitting in my local Panera Bread every morning for a couple of hours trying to be responsible and motivated. On these mornings, I see humanity pass me by in the form of the local population. Part of that is the usual.... housewives who have just dropped the kids off at school or camp or whatever daily activity kids do in the summer, students who are taking summer courses and come here for the same reason I do... home is just too tempting to get anything done, and groups who meet once a week or once a month to catch up. It is just such a group that captures my attention today.
There are 4 of them. All about the same age and same manner of dress.... khakis, golf shirts and really thick soled tennis shoes. Arms folded across their chests, coffee having been drunk already, they sit back and discuss politics. It is interesting to hear the world of politics from their point of view. Whether or not I agree with them, I enjoy listening. I'm not eavesdropping but their voices carry through the room like low thunder. These men have seen at least 70 or more years of American history happen and they sound like it. They are weary. They are sad. They see a country that built itself up and is slowly tearing itself down. While my politics differ from theirs, I understand why they feel the way they do. I even find myself agreeing with some of their statements. They are the typical old mans coffee clatch.... and a true part of American tradition. While so much of the world speeds up and we lose some of the old traditions, I'm glad to see that this one is alive and well. So what if it's not at the local diner or the mom and pop grocery store, they don't exist much anymore either. This one is at Panera Bread in Lancaster, CA. It is wonderful and I love them! Talk on, gentlemen, talk on....
I am a recently unemployed woman with too much time on my hands and not enough to occupy them. As such, I have taken to sitting in my local Panera Bread every morning for a couple of hours trying to be responsible and motivated. On these mornings, I see humanity pass me by in the form of the local population. Part of that is the usual.... housewives who have just dropped the kids off at school or camp or whatever daily activity kids do in the summer, students who are taking summer courses and come here for the same reason I do... home is just too tempting to get anything done, and groups who meet once a week or once a month to catch up. It is just such a group that captures my attention today.
There are 4 of them. All about the same age and same manner of dress.... khakis, golf shirts and really thick soled tennis shoes. Arms folded across their chests, coffee having been drunk already, they sit back and discuss politics. It is interesting to hear the world of politics from their point of view. Whether or not I agree with them, I enjoy listening. I'm not eavesdropping but their voices carry through the room like low thunder. These men have seen at least 70 or more years of American history happen and they sound like it. They are weary. They are sad. They see a country that built itself up and is slowly tearing itself down. While my politics differ from theirs, I understand why they feel the way they do. I even find myself agreeing with some of their statements. They are the typical old mans coffee clatch.... and a true part of American tradition. While so much of the world speeds up and we lose some of the old traditions, I'm glad to see that this one is alive and well. So what if it's not at the local diner or the mom and pop grocery store, they don't exist much anymore either. This one is at Panera Bread in Lancaster, CA. It is wonderful and I love them! Talk on, gentlemen, talk on....
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